Tug Of War

Am a peace loving person, though very impulsive but if given a choice I would always settle for the ‘white flag’ rather than the ‘red’ one…. but then which war am talking about? Well this is about the tug-off war between the brain n the heart which leaves ‘the body’ in the middle of a cross road.

Talking about my brainy brain first, this one is disciplined, high-profiled, matured, meticulous, studious, strict, demanding, authoritative, critical… in short its like a high-school principal who is ‘ever a terror’. This one makes me more n more nerdy n never allows me to get distracted. If not for it, I would never have dared to dream of doing a PhD…. n I know till the time, its working properly, I can finish off with PhD quite easily. Till about 3 or 4 years ago, I was ruled through-n-through by this commander n I used to be addressed as a ‘perfect computer’ by a close buddy…. well yeah…. a computer…. mechanical with no heart.

My dear darling heart… yes it existed with me without high-lighting its presence for nearly 16 years of its birth. Its not that I was a heart-less creature in childhood, but then as I said, the hearty part never was high-lighted. I never used to show that I care… even to my parents n my bro… I used to lend a helping hand behind the screens, probably was shy to be appreciated or probably my brain told me not to ‘show off’…. But whatever, this dear little part is damn naughty when comes to action, believe me! Its caring, sensitive, ever-giving, sweet, shy, delicate, selfless n immature. It makes me do a lot of things which r unethical n r never approved by my brain. But still it’s a pleasure doing such things… after all the brain is there to clean up the mess later… hee… hee….

Again stuck up in a cross-road thinking of which side to go, am trying to find my answers in this post. Brain knows the heart is leading to the wrong way, but then who is gonna explain this to the dear hearty! Ofcourse the context here is the “matter of hearts” but since I have had a lot of talking on this topic, am not yet again gonna bring it back here. Lets talk about it on a broader context now. Say for example, once me n my friend Ayushi confessed to each other that we want to go to a disc. 90% of those reading this might feel “so, whats the big deal?”… yeah its no big deal, but for us this is probably the biggest deal ever. We would need to deal our parents belief on us for a few moments of fun… doesn’t it sound a big deal now? But this was the brain’s version, the heart says “Oh! Common… don’t give me that shit! They might never know…..”

Once in a healthy discussion on a very “Hush! Hush! Topic” with Neha, she said according to her an act is wrong if it harms others… else its not wrong. I felt very happy, felt like all my problems r sorted off… but then what about those things which shows their side-effect very late. Say for example, my going to a disc probably wont harm anyone, n if I act smart, my parents will probably never know… but what about the guilt hanging on in my mind with me forever? Wont that make me more impulsive n then I might pour the anger on someone n end up souring out my relationship…. wont that be counted as harming someone?

I don’t say brain is always right… as far as mine is concern, if I let my decisions to it, then I wont move out of my study room at-all. I wouldn’t have had friends…. no social life … n there might be nothing left for me to cherish n smile about. But then one very good thing about my brain is that, even if varied thoughts keep flashing in it @ 15000 per second, still when I sit to study surrendering myself to this one single organ, it makes sure that I do only that n that too with full concentration. Am always glad n very proud of this that whatever tensions n disappointments may come, with my brain full on, I can always concentrate on my studies.

Like Shibu says, I can talk on n on with relevance forgotten, but still I would like to put up an incident which happened today with the hope that somehow I will relate it to the topic. I boarded a damn crowded bus while coming back home from college, where I somehow pushed my way to a seat where two ‘uncles’ were sitting. I requested the one nearer to me to please hold my bag for me… my bag… well my school bags were much lighter n today it was “fully loaded” with books. But it was sweet of that uncle to agree to my request without a fuss. There my ‘luggage’ landed on his lap. After say about 5 min, the world famous ‘airtel ringtone’ was heard. This uncle of mine, with great efforts moved my bag an inch to take out his mobile n U know what? It wasn’t his which was ringing… my heart shouted “Poppatt” (a phrase we use in college to address ppl stuck in such embarrassing situations) Before I could giggle n share the joke with Ayu in full blown volume, my stupid stupid brain reminded me of my junior lessons “Never make fun of people”!!! err!! My brain deprived me of a hilarious moment….

I guess its high time I start winding up n get to a conclusion. But since I wrote this in 9 installments coz of lack of time, let me overview the whole thing quickly before drawing any conclusions. Well I understood that both my brain n heart together describe what ‘I am’ as a person n they both have their own sweet place in my life. There doesn’t exist a question of which one is important as they both are, in their respective places. But then, my question is still unanswered. What to do in a situation, where the brainy n the hearty part give damn contradictory solutions? As far as I understood, I wil say it is safe to go in the brainy route coz its sure gonna be harmless… to others… n in a long run, to oneself too. Though am not very sure of what am saying, an hurt heart will not be a good deal either, but then if I have to chose one, then I still feel ‘its safe’ to follow the brain.