Scope 4 Improvement.

Triggered by a question "how much is too much?" here I start....

I have always felt n was told by many many many people that I over-do things. Ayushi always gets irritated by my extreme mood swings. There is never a moderation, how so ever hard I try! Yesterday my M.Sc. first year results were finally out after a long time waiting. Since I had already lost 5 of my precious marks by applying for re-evaluation in a subject I considered myself best in, I wasnt expecting too great results this time. I had kinda prepared myself very much well for not seeing my name in the top 10 list. Yeah that was a negative attitude, I agree! Am a very positive person for others but when it comes to myself, there cant be anyone more rude n harsh n bad for myself than me! Am my best critic. With a well prepared heart mind n soul when I was searching my name in the list, starting from the bottom, I was shocked to find it as the 2nd topper. I seriously couldnt believe what I was seeing n started crying. Believe me or not, I saw my result at 11 n till 2 I was sitting in front of the library, Crying unable to believe that am not dreaming! Later when I convinced myself that I have actually scored so well, I went back to the notice board n Ayushi made me feel my marks by placing my fingers on the list.

There when I saw the topper's mark, I found I lost that position by 3 marks. Suddenly I felt, if I hadnt lost those 5 marks, I would have topped with 2 grace marks. Its sad I think like that. I know. But yeah that thought did flash-in for a second n I cant deny that. Though I completely erased it in a jiffy classifying it as a 'negative thought' but yeah it did occur to me for once. Its an irony, few minutes ago a result which looked unbelievable to me suddenly sounded short by 3 marks. Its not that am not satisfied with my marks now, rather am much more than satisfied n kept telling everyone that I scored much more than expected n am very happy. None of the mentioned words r false. But yeah maybe if I had not lost those 5 marks...!!!

Once during a convo with a friend, he asked "Am I expecting too much from her?" The fact was that, he wasnt really... its just that he was expecting an acknowledgment for his acts if not reciprocation n I dont think that will b called 'expecting too much'. But then how do we decide what is 'too much' n wat is not? Say for example in my first yr grad, I scored 74%, if I had convinced myself that its a good mark then probably I would have never scored 90% in 3rd year. I could do that coz I was not satisfied with my marks in first year n wanted to improve. There is always a scope of improvement left in any of our acts. But then if we start improvising big things, wont we miss out on small small things?

There r two choices:

a) be satisfied with what all u r getting
b) run in the rat-race n smell the thrill of achievement.

I dont know which one is better. When it comes to marks n position n status, I have set quite high standards for myself n will always go in for the (b) option but yeah for friends n family n social standards, am very much with option (a).

I was just running a short list of things which I think will come under the category of 'too much'. Lemme jot down :

• Showing concern is Human, but dictating terms... is Too Much!
  

• Misunderstandings happens, but fight... is Too Much!

• Competing is healthy, but harming other... is Too Much!
  

• Having self-confidence is fine, but looking down at others... is Too Much!
  

• Praying to god for good result is obvious, but not studying for that... is Too Much!

• Being innocent is helplessness, but acting idiotic... is Too Much!

• Being flexible to changes is fab, but flowing with the tide always... is Too Much!

• Giving treat is fun, but spending lavishly n wasting food... is Too Much!
  

• Rains are heavenly, but the follow up 12 hr power cut.. is Too Much!
  

• Pulling a friend's leg is enjoyable, but ending up hurting them... is Too Much!
  

• Gossiping is notorious, but back-biting... is Too Much!

• Over speeding in high-way is sure thrill, but same done in a market place... is Too Much!

• Looking at girls is okie, but making them feel like an item for sale... is Too Much!

• Doing a wrong act can be justified, but not feeling guilty for it... is Too Much!

• Helping sumone is noble, but making them dependent... is Too Much!

• Planting a tree is to be encouraged, but not watering it... is Too Much!

• Fever is unfortunate to have, but being made to stick to bed the whole day... is Too Much!

• Studying late night for exams is worth it, but missing out the essential 6 hr sleep... is Too Much!

• Being busy is a fact, but not sparing a sec to reply to a friend's message who bothered to remember u in their good/bad time... is Too Much !

• Getting stuck in traffic jam is unavoidable, but not bothering to inform that to sumone waiting for u... is Too Much!

• Pouring frustation on blog is natural, but attempting to use all the words of English Dictonary on one post... is Too Much! Guess, I wil stop here.
  

First crush?

Ahem! Ahem! Give me a min... let me stop blushing first..!!!

Okk.. so for all those wondering 'wat the hell' am doing with this topic amidst studies n other pile of 'most important' list of work I got, well.... am just closing down a very special chapter of my life. I didnt title it 'confession' coz am not gonna do that... but in a way it wont b too wrong to title this as one.

The root cause for surfacing of this topic on my page again after quite a long time, was a school get-together I had last weekend. It was one of the biggest get-together we ever had after school days... we were 9 of us meeting up after 4 years...!!! Ah! I was so excited to meet them all... had so much to talk about... to enquire... to know.. to react to... to laugh... to cherish! I had carried an old school-time photo album n turning the pages took us 4 years down the lane. I felt like the small little school girl n no more like a would b lecturer...!! No wonder ppl say school days were the best. I never agreed to it before coz I always felt its 'fun to grow up'. But now I realise, its more fun to be growing up... fun is in the process n not in the destination!

We were playing 'truth-or-dare' sitting there in the coffee house... a closed packed group of 9 old friends... I knew am never gonna forget this moment! Truth-or-dare isn't a new game for me, had played it so many times in college n ever proud of the fact that I have absolutely No so damn embarrassing secrets that I would find difficult to let out. So I always felt its very safe for me to go for the 'truth' option. But here, guess my over-confidence gave me away. When the empty mineral water bottle stopped pointing out to me, I was away on phone. When I came back, I was informed that everyone is waiting for me coz am the next victim. No I wasnt nervous. I knew my chance gonna come... n I knew that its a well known fact that my life is not really very 'happening' n full of deadful secrets, so very confidently I said "Ask anything!".

Err... can I sumhow turn the clock back n edit that dialogue?? I wish I could.. but anyways... at that time I thought that I will be asked sum stupid question. Though I categorized the 'unknown' question as 'stupid', I didnt really had any clues of what the question could b. It was then when I was asked "name ur first crush". Gulp... Gulp... I knew that very instant, I cant answer. I was silent for sumtime... thinking of a way to handle the situation. "No haste.. No haste.." this was repeating in my head like that "om mangalam mangalam" mantra in the movie Kambaqth Ishq. I didnt wanted to show whats on my head... Yeah I know they r friends, friends have the rights to know secrets... but not this... anything but not this! I knew all the signs of nervousness people show, I made sure I did nothing of that sort. I didnt rub my hands, didnt wipe off the sweat rolling down the forehead, didnt pretend to have gotten an important call, didnt shake my legs, didnt changed the sitting posture, didnt react at all. Rather I looked around to find 8*2=16 eyes starring at me without blinking! I froze!

A tug-off-war between head n heart soon began inside me. I wanted to ask myself a few questions n get a few answers but then the constant glare was making me nervous. I knew am losing it. I said "I can't" but that doesn't convince anyone. They said "Shruti u r being a spoiled sport" Yeah I agree...!!! I agree am acting nutty.. I agree am making an issue of it... I agree am a coward... I agree am dramatizing... I agree! I agree! I agree! Anything else? can we please get to sum other topic now..!! But they doesn't seem to listen. It was Sneha who said "leave her, else she will start crying"... for once, I really felt like getting up n giving her a 'tight hug' for that. I offered to make sum other confessions but they were not interested in any 'other' thing. I used to think that am the only stubborn creature in the universe, but I was facing many like me there. I told to myself "So what if they r stubborn, u were the topper of ur class, u will top on stubbornness too".

There was another helping hand cuming forward asking me to name any one randomly... I tried searching for a random name... switched on the computer in my head, opened 'Google search'... typed the key word 'crush'.... searching... searching... searching... ah! Just one name... a name which I cant say... I felt disgusting! 20 year old n just one name! dah! I gave up. I said, I can't say n thats it. Soon the bottle spinned again n I sighed a relief!

Back home, the thought kept nagging me. I didnt quite get y I couldnt name. I mean, am I doing a crime to be hiding it from everyone.

Q) When is it that people hide things?
A) When they know that they r wrong.

Am not cheating! Am not doing anything wrong. God damn! Am a human being. I have a heart!!!! So what if it got attracted to sumone. What is there to feel so awkward about it. Just coz my image is that of a 'nerdy nerd' who just sticks to books all the time, doesnt mean that I cant have anything else in life. Just coz I love studying doesnt mean I cant do anything else. I have a life. I have a heart. I always felt, if I cant respect my own feeling then No one in this world can. I do respect my feelings a lot. I know for sure am not wrong. Whatever is happening, or so as to say has happened, has a reason. I dont know where all this will lead me to... I dont know if the day will ever come when I will be able to answer that question. All I know is whatever will happen, will happen for my own good coz one thing I can confess very confidently n that is, am a good girl who didnt ever do anything bad to anyone. So am sure that nothing BAD can ever happen to me! Ever!

Eventful !

It was an usual day today… I had class in the morn, came back home n went for a walk… came back at 7. Bro demanded alu ka paratha for dinner so I was set to the kitchen making the dinner… dad as usual watching news n working with sum official papers n mom was making bro study… nothing unusual… after finishing off with dinner prep, I logged on gtalk, n was reading the e-book I got “The Secret” dead-line for finishing with that being the week-end but I thought I would rather conveniently finish it off today itself. But I was wrong!

After serving the dinner to the family n after getting enough appreciation for the food, I went to the kitchen to clean up, happily listening to “I’ll b thr for u” n singing along… when I heard Mom’s shriek… one of the worst one I have ever heard… I rushed to the room n found dad lying there on the floor near the wash-basin. The little lump of Grey matter in my head, (that I was ever so proud to address as super-fast n smart) suddenly seemed like a lump of clay. It wasn’t working… I wasn’t working… I was frozen. Didn’t quite understand anything. For a second, life seemed to have met a full-stop.

All I could see was my super-hero, my guardian, my saver, my guide, my support… my dad… there lying on the floor… helpless, motionless… n my mom there trying to shake him up. Sumthing from inside shouted, “help mom, u idiot!!!!!! Don’t just give away”. I rushed to get water, sprinkled on dad… he didn’t move. I opened the back door, shouted “Aunty! Uncle! Ayu!”. In a jiffy, my whole locality seemed to have moved on to my house. There was everyone… all the neighbors. Some rubbed dad’s hands, some his legs… some moved back to giv in air… I was acting dumb n so was my bro who didn’t move out of his room n didn’t even bother to lower the volume of the video of “coast-to-coast” that he was watching for the 500^th time! But then after sumtime, he too got sum courage n stood by dad’s side.

N suddenly, dad opened his eyes. Cant express in words as to how I felt. Slowly dad seemed to get back to his senses. I was just standing there… as a spectator viewing the whole episode… nothing to say… nothing to do… nothing to react to, but to wait, to pray, to hope! My neighbors were damn helpful, it was them who made dad sit on chair n all I did was to rush to get sum water to drink. They were asking dad questions like “do u recognize where u r?” n “wat u had for dinner?” n stuff… I felt like shouting, “oh! Pls! don’t dramatize… he just fainted for sum god damn reason, he is not suffering from amnesia” but then I felt it will be rude to speak when elders r dealing the matter. Soon it was decided that we will be going to hospital after an hour, an hour for dad to get back to his cool. He was quite shaken by the incident.

People offered for help to take dad to the hospital but my mom rejected. She said “my daughter can drive, she will take us”. I standing there was partly proud n partly nervous. Well hospitals rnt really my favorite place n I bet even doctors wont call it their favorite place but then ‘hospital n me’???!!! I know n mom knows how much fuss I make when I need to go to hospitals but then she announced it so proudly that I didn’t wanted to act fussy. It was 10:15 at night when dad seemed quite stable n mom declared we are leaving for hospital. She asked me to look around all her secret reservoirs to find out how much liquid cash is available in case we need to get sum scans n stuff done. I offered the 1000 bucks I saved last month, n for the first time in the whole episode, mom smiled! Well I don’t really leak out how much I saved… n I knew 1000 wont contribute much but then I was happy that I HAD sumthing to offer.

After the cash arrangement, we moved out. For the first time, dad didn’t say a word n went n sat next to the driver’s seat. Before driving when I removed my slippers (an usual act) dad didn’t shout at me saying “when will u learn to drive with slippers on”… I was going right n giving left indicator but dad didn’t shout at me. He didn’t even give me those dreadful looks when I was composing tunes with car horn. Neither did he ask me to lower the gears before the turns. He didn’t say a word. I was feeling very uncomfortable. Am certainly not used to dad’s silence while am driving. He used to make me feel like am the worst driver in the universe n today he is not speaking a word! Dad was un usually quite, so was my bro… n mom… n me… it was like a ‘getting back life’ moment… we were all too exhausted to speak. But the best part was, I COULD drive… I realized am not really as weak as I think I am. I didn’t shed one tear! I seriously didn’t realize that but as I was driving, recollecting al that happened, I told myself “girl! U almost lost ur dad n u were not crying!” sumthing from inside told me “yeah! Coz I knew quite well that nothing wrong gonna happen”.

When we reached the hospital n showed to doctor, he gave an injection n said it doesn’t seem too serious. He said dad must have fainted coz of over-work n tiredness… BP was normal n we sighed a relief! But still he asked to show up in the morn to a specialist n we nodded. It was almost 11 when we reached back home. After making dad lay comfortably in bed, I came here to write down. Though standing outside the hospital, I felt like calling up sumone to speak to but then I kinda feel more comfortable in writing things rather than speaking out. I decided I better blog so I started off to write as soon as I came back. But as I was writing, phone rang. I picked up n a guy from the hospital was on the other side n he informed that dad had left his purse in the room where he took the injection. There was more than 20,000 in his purse n all his id card, ATM cards, driving license, everything!

I left the computer in ‘stand by mode’ n rushed to wake up mom n we both locked the door n rushed back to the hospital. Mom constantly cursing herself for the carelessness n I constantly telling her to stop doing that. We reached the hospital n the guy who called was standing at the door with dad’s purse. We thanked him whole heartedly n took his number. Maybe dad can give him a call later n invite him over for lunch. Its hard to find such good people in this world. When I was cuming back, my mom took a deep breath n said “what an eventful day… err… night!!”. I gave a short smile n shared a joke with mom…

"Daughter – Mom! I got a guy just like dad.

Mother – what do u want from me? Sympathy???"

We both had a heart-felt laugh n enjoyed the night drive… sumthing I always wished for… but never knew it will come to action in this manner… anyways, dad is sleeping peacefully now n its getting quite late now so I too will be off. End of an eventful night!

Over thinking??

I recently noticed mine getting more n more philosophical these days… a new passion of decoding the essence of life has taken up on me from sumwhere… am constantly asking myself questions on ‘life’ n distributing free advises to all those interested/not-interested… am kinda getting lost amidst studies… of course the blame completely goes to my brain affected by the ‘over thinking syndrome’.

It so happened that a few days back in my coaching class, Sir gave a mathematics question which asked us to prove a ‘certain expression’ as wrong. No big deal, it was a easy question but then sumone from back murmured, “its so easy to prove sumthing is wrong but so tough to prove sumthing is right”. I just couldn’t come out of that thought. Talking of mathematical questions, proving an expression as right or wrong are like ‘pet’ questions. When asked to prove a question is wrong, there r so many ways of doing it but then to prove a question is right, there exist only one fixed method.

When I applied the same philosophy to Life, I was amazed to notice the analogy. It happened so many times with me. I tend to get too critical on people n can go on proving everyone wrong. Maybe one reason y I hardly get impressed by anyone. I don’t do it purposely but then I don’t know y I notice all the negative points first. Whenever I meet anyone, by default my eyes will notice if the shoes r polished, if nails r clean, if dress is pressed… at-times I need to remind myself that am not a school principal but a normal college going student!

Every second new person I meet will come under the category of “not my type” for me. Am not a big time socialite but then yeah I don’t leave my people so easily. Its “Once a friend, always a friend” for me but then only a few who cross all the filtration process get the label of ‘friend’. I can do anything for my friends. Anytime! Anywhere! Call me n I’ll b there… that’s what I always say n do. But then even friends get irritated of my getting into small small details n doing their critical analysis. Well of course there do exist a category of people around me who think am too rude n harsh n insensitive when I tell them on their face bluntly that I don’t approve their acts. So easy to disapprove!!

We meet so many people everyday sumwhere or the other, y is it that not everyone is our friend? I mean no one in this world is ever ‘Bad’ so as to say… but then if everyone is good, what is stopping them from entering the friend list? Am I the only one in this world facing this thing? Certainly not! Am sure everyone faces this… sometimes we know for sure that the other person will turn out to be very good friend of ours but still sumthing inhibits. I have disapproved so may like that… to quote an example, I would say Neha, the first day I met her in my under grad college, I completely disapproved her but then as time passed n her goodyness n strong personality surfaced, I realized how wrongly I judged her. Probably impulsive decisions can be a cause of not ‘everybody’ being our friend… but yeah all relationships demand ‘time’ n the more u give that, the more strongly the relationship bonds. Perhaps this is the secret behind ‘arranged marriages’… two complete strangers spending life together… uff!! Not ‘this’ topic again !

Judging others… how much is this act justified? Who are we to say if a person is right or wrong… who r we to say if we ourself do right things or wrong things… but then what decides? A mathematical expression can be easily solved n verified for being right or wrong but what about the ‘acts’ we perform in our life? Who is gonna judge that?? For me, what ever I do, is right! I can give 1000000 justifications for my act… millions n trillions of reasons… stupid idiotic senseless arguments… I can go on n on… but I don’t give an ear to others when they do the same for their acts. Stubbornness? Maybe… proudy… attitude problem… call whatever… that is what I am n am right ;)

In Physics, we have this thing called the ‘special theory of relativity’ given by my ever-green crush Mr. Einstein… according to which if an ‘observer’ is sitting on a tree n watching a train moving with uniform velocity, then for that observer the train is moving, but if that very observer is sitting inside that train, then for him the tree is moving. (If u don’t know physics, read d above lines again to understand!) Now neither of the observers is wrong. Its just their ‘frame of reference’ is different. When the observer sitting on the tree says the train is moving n the observer sitting in the train says that the tree is moving, neither is wrong n this fact is right! Same is the scenario in all the arguments n discussions that we do. Sumtimes what seems wrong to us will seems right if we consider the situation from other frame of reference. As a matter of fact, all that is categorized as ‘wrong’ in life can be made ‘right’ if we just change our perception! Ah! so easy to write n say… but d applications part is so tough!!