Life : The mystery.

Mr. Einsten is sure very convinced about the fact that 'God does not play dice' and he once quoted "I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."

As I grow up with life and experience the ups and downs, I realize the righteous of his words. This phase of my life where am living now, seems like a distant dream still so close. At times dreams come so closer to reality that one cant figure out if its a dream or reality. This is exactly what is happening to me, Now. There were days when I used to dream about standing in a huge seminar room giving a lecture and a huge crowd of audience present there listening to me so attentively. But those days I know I have to get up sooner and pack my bag and head towards college. That was a dream in dream... truly really a dream without a doubt. But now I have come so closer to this dream of mine that when I wake up, I get feelings like am almost there.

A few years back I was a simple sweet little under graduate student who was trying hard to establish herself in the society. Very low in confidence, shy, reserved these were possibly the most commonly used adjectives for me those days. But I grew, I evolved and I learnt. Yes am a changed and better person today and am really proud of myself for that. I possibly had the silliest reason to have joined a course on Physics, a subject which I never liked or enjoyed... But this silliest act of my life has turned out to be my wisest decision and within a month or two, I would be doing my Ph.D in this subject!

Ah! It feels good. I didn't get time to update here but I have cleared my CSIR-NET exam and have gotten the JRF. My All India Rank is 61, which is really very good and I wanted to thank all those friends and well wishers of mine who prayed for me. When my mobile was buzzing a day before exam and gmail inbox was receiving good luck cards, I really felt very happy releasing that I do have well wishers around and if not for them, this success would have been meaningless. Just one more exam to go and it will be the end of my M.Sc. Life's gonna take me higher to some bigger place and am really feeling very scared!

I cant express my emotions at this point of time. I stand at a road which is multi-laned and I need to chose the right path. I have options and more options and good options and better options and risky options and amazing options and wat not. All this is leading to a big time confusion and am really trying hard to keep my cool and to chose the best way. I have gotten interview calls from some of the finest IIT's and other research institutions but there are many factors to weigh on. I want a good guide, a good institution and a place closer to house. When there r so may factors, the priority list keeps shuffling and its leading tensions and stress! I don't know, I feel so torn apart these days, energy level running a big time low and head almost about to burst. Each day a new thing, a new news, a new offer and its adding to the confusions.

Life has been so hectic for me for the past 4 years and I badly needed a break after M.Sc for at-least a month. But guess am not gonna be blessed with that. There are many other unsolved issues hanging on my head and am just not able to handle all this. Feel like sitting and crying so badly... am so badly scared that I really feel like running away. But no! I have to face this. I will get back my confidence and will come up with some good news very soon.

Gonna miss this....

Farewells are perhaps the 'toughest' part of a human's life. At-times I wonder, why cant we stay with 'our' people forever. Come to think of it, it takes so long to establish a deep relationship and by the time the real bond gets established, its time to move on and make new bonds. Of-course making new bonds doesn't mean breaking the old once but yeah when the attention gets diverted, then maintaining a relationship becomes a bit difficult. Its so rightly said, making a relationship is much more easier than maintaining it and such maintained relationships make way for sum great friendships!!

When I firstly joined M.Sc, I didnt really knew why am doing it except for the fact that it was the only link btw B.Sc. and Ph.D and since I knew I wil b doing the latter, I had to join M.Sc. Getting into this department was a cake walk and I had a very strong passion towards Physics which drove me through this whole 2 years. Never intended to make friends here... all I wanted from this place was knowledge and mastery of this subject. My department is perhaps the most 'student-friendly' and we got quite a flexible system here. And the final year electronics lab sure rocks - No attendance, No record files... its just ur dedication and hard work that pulls u through.

First sem was quite tough getting adjusted to this new system, facing 200 new faces and trying to make a stand. Classical mechanics tut classes used to be so scary with nothing getting into head and there used to be hardly any interaction in classes except for exchange of tut answers. Recognizing group mates and sub-group mates took away our major part of first sem and when that was done, it was exam days and first sem got wrapped up very soon. Second sem was fun with all of us spreading our wings and seriously creating friend circle. Can never forget those days when me n Ayu used to solve quantum tut questions sitting in the metro or outside csl. That time our ruling equation was 'study=fun' and I really really enjoyed a lot with amazing subjects, amazing teachers and books.

Final year electronics lab was probably the best part of the whole M.Sc. and I enjoyed this phase much more than my graduation days. 'Wonderful people' are the real asserts of the lab. There were laughter, smiles, music, giggles, tears, romance, irritations, frustrations... probably all the emotions you can think about, we experienced all of them in this one lab. A place which I would always remember having enjoyed the most. There is sumthing strange about this lab, before stepping inside the door everyone will b laughing and giggling and will be full of energy but as soon as one steps in, all the energy would have disappeared as if there are energy suckers fixed in the entry door and these energy suckers gives us our energy back when we step out.

Every group in the lab had a tale of its own and we were all far far from perfection but I always felt that my group was probably the 'best' among all the others since I never faced all those strange problems that my other friends faced. 'Friends' ya I got them from this lab. Real gem of people.... gosh! I wonder how can people actually be so good and caring. If not for these people, M.Sc. would have been a terrible experience but thanks to them, it turned out to be very exciting and fulfilling. All those small little things... 'apna adda', gol-gappa mess in class, Holi celebrations, photo sessions, after-result side effect, trouble-shooter family, make up sessions, the 'blue-liquid' party, the many movies, the mast gossips, the problem-solution series, internal exam preparation, CSL hangouts, zoobi-doobi dance, My smilies n kamla nagar mkt, jai javan chowmine, walk to metro station, deep fried burger treat.... memories! memories!! How badly i want them to stay forever....!!

I remember telling Ayu a month ago "Its not the people, its the time". But guess I was wrong. I always valued 'time' more than 'people' but now I feel mayb its the 'people' who make 'time' so special. I will always be very grateful to all these friends of mine and am not mentioning their names coz I know they dont need me to. Its a dual way path and I have always tried my best to give twice as much as I take but if unknowingly I have hurt any one of u, then I wil take this chance to apologize for that. U guys rock and I can never thank god enough to have brought people like you into my life. U all have taught me, and I learnt. U cared for me, and I acknowledged . U made me laugh, I felt happy. U supported me, and I needed it. U payed for food, I ate it. U solved tut sheets, I copied it. U made me study, I made faces. U asked me to write a blog, I did it :) :)

Standing out in crowd

What will you call a girl who lives to eat… who is born as a ‘momma’… whose face is a pure reflection of her mind… who goes wild on the DJ beats… who suddenly starts singing and dancing on road… who just don’t like the crowded buses… whose bag is always loaded, be it the starting or the ending of semester… who gets damn angry when someone ignores her… who is silly enough to announce her stupid crush to the whole world… who maintains a meticulously completed class notes so that others can easily get it photocopied… who just don’t have the tolerance for negative things… who hates corruption and dishonesty… who wants things to be just ‘clear’, whatever it may take… who gets dreamy and goes to the dream world given a chance, but is quick enough to return to earth once shaken… who understands my unexpressed emotions and has learnt enough to take care of me without mine asking for help… well, I call her AYU.

Its been almost 5 years now… we met on the first day of admission in our under grad college. She imitates the first meeting scene so well, me the serious nerd walk over to her and says “excuse me, black pen hai”. Never expected this kinda friendship that time… the kind of friendship that we share, its very difficult to put in words. We are always together, to the extent that in our Dept. people actually get confused with our names and its nothing unusual when ppl call me as Ayushi n her as Shruti.

A variety of people come and go through our lives but only a few touches our heart and those few leave their impact on our lives. This girl has influenced me and supported me through my think and thins. When I turn back and imagine myself without this solid support, I shiver thinking how my life would have been. There were tough days and I have been the reason for her precious tears falling on ground but then if not for those days, I wouldn’t have gotten a chance to wipe them off and get her radiant smile back on place. I have tortured her a lot by not letting her take leaves, making her work in lab when she will be in absolutely no mood for that, openly showing disinterest in a few topics which she classifies as ‘interesting’, stopping her from eating all those road side junks that she considers ‘heavens’, scolding her rudely and badly for her little mistakes which now I feel I should have neglected… her life might have been much easier for her without me in it.
 

But at the end of the day, she says “Even if I don’t agree with you, I know you are right” and that one line would be enough to forgo all the silly misunderstandings. We have grown together… and learnt together. She has learnt to use her head and I have learnt to use my heart. Her ‘pravachans’ which I very conveniently ignore, has deep within really influenced me. A few common qualities and many uncommon qualities have deepened this bond. We have now reached a stage where we can predict each others moves… and at times this understanding amazes us. She knows what I really mean when I say ‘haan… am ok’ and when I say ‘mess ho gaya yaar’.

A few months from now and I don’t know which way our lives gonna take us to. We are done with the ‘farewell’ day and we both managed not to get senti and to enjoy the day to the fullest. But we know, the actually farewell is around the corner. Its gonna be tough if we part ways and its gonna be amazing if we manage to pull on for a few more years. 

Hey Ayu ! I just wanted to give you a little surprise to tell you what you mean to me. Things will lose charm with passing time but words are the most precious gift I could have given to you. Kal ko kuch bhi ho, I will always feel lucky to have gotten a friend like you in my life. You were there… you are there and you will be there…! Am sure our kids will be proud of our friendship and will get something to learn from us. There is a whole wide world for you to reach and lot many small and big happiness just waiting to embrace u… go girl, conquer the world ! All the very best.

WHY??

WHY do some days pass as the worst day of life with nothing falling in place since morning?

WHY does it becomes so difficult to present once point of view in a discussion and it ends up with mis-understandings and fights?

WHY cant people just stay happy with what they have and not try to snatch others things?

WHY don't people understand the importance and fun of leading a simple disciplined life?

WHY do one lie when saying the truth is a much better and guilt free way?

WHY is a pure feeling like 'LOVE' used as an excuse for doing the wrong things?

WHY are we losing our ethics in the process of modernizing the society?

WHY is it that the higher u climb, the more u fear the fall?

WHY cant I just run away to some silent place to spend 'my time' on myself?

WHY do people expect so much from me that it starts sounding like an obligation?

WHY is it so damn difficult to balance fun and work?

WHY is it there are times when I wanna help, but still feel so helpless?

WHY don't even 'MoM' can listen to the unspoken words?

WHY is it that sometimes there is just just 'NOBODY' who understands?

WHY do I sometimes so badly hurt my closest friends and still expect them to understand?

WHY is it that even after spending 2 hours, some meetings seem incomplete?

WHY is it that after making a 'right decision', we still reconsider?

WHY is it that making rules is much easier than following it?

WHY cant we just erase off the unwanted bad memories from our head and get things back to normal?

WHY isn't SORRY sufficient enough to ask for forgiveness?

WHY are casual sarcastic comments interpreted as insults and taunts?

WHY does the problem called "communication gap" exist with a booming communication technology?

WHY are the society norm so rigid that one develops a hatred towards the society?

WHY does a 2 o'clk meeting begin at 5?

WHY do I ask so many questions?

WHY are u reading this crap?

Holi @ Colg

Officially am not supposed to be celebrating any festival this year coz of my Grandma's death but when it came to holi @ college, there is nothing official about it. Mom didnt sound too convinced when I informed her about my holi plans a week before, so I decided to underplay the whole scene this time. Bought colours well in advance and hid it in bag. Since friday was the last working day in college, after which our one week long mid-sem break started, we decided to play holi on friday.

We had planned a little party sorts before playing so everyone was supposed to be getting some 'goodies' to eat. Since am the only South-Indian in our gang, I wanted to get something typical. After some heavy thoughts, I decided on to 'kunuku' (dal-ka-pakoda as my friends later called it). I got up 5 in the morning to make it. When mom woke up and found me in kitchen, she passed me her typical suspicious look. I said I got a msg late at night and didnt get enough time to inform. I noticed when I lie, my hands tremble. It was almost 7:30 when I got done with the food packing and then rushed to get ready to go to college. Took a change dress and carefully slipped it into the bag.

We just had 2 morning lectures after which classes were suspended coz of the 'flower show' in the university. We got free by 11 and attacked on the Foooood!! There was lots of variety - bread pakoda, golden balls (made of suji), bread roll, dahi vada, petha, alu-paratha, dal-ka-pakoda and of course Gujiya! After we had filled our tummies, it was time to fill our hearts. We rushed to get our gulal packets and made a mess in the class running around and colouring each other. All shouting "happy holi","happy holi" and there was red, green and yellow all over the place. Sunny brought rose petals for Namrata and when he poured his love on her, there was this huge hooting!! It was so loud that the 'cleaning women' came and shooed us out of the class room. We then went out to the corridor to play.

Ayu took out her 'pakka colours' mixed it with water and got set to attack. First victim - her best friend, me ;) When she went to attack Savita, she was on phone dealing with her 'hitler' dad and got a little cross over Ayu for colouring her. This impulsive temperament of these two people did create friction and the whole plan was about to get flopped. At-times when two friends fight, it becomes very difficult for the gang to take sides! But thanks to the good old phrase "bura na mano, holi hai", things got into control soon and then started the whole splashing and running and attacking sessions. Come one, Come all... the gang was expanding slowly...

Guys on bike went to buy more and more colour. People emptying their water bottles on each others head. The 'guys' kinda holi was wild. WILD thats the word. Girls were still decent. People had a tough time managing their specks and mobile phones. Bags were nicely kept in a corner though library would have been a safer place but the guard out there said "iss halat mein anadar nahi jaa saktee". After we got a bit tired, we all started posing for photographs. There was this journalist from 'Dainik jagran' who was giving us situations to pose for and made us waste lots of gulal by throwing them in air for his photographs. There was dancing and clapping and singing. Since we couldnt manage a music player and we ourself had to sing, the song started and stopped at one line "rang barse bhege chunar wale rang barse". But even that tit-bit was fun.

After we had no energy left in us to continue further and the dried colors started irritating the skin, we decided to call off the celebrations. Went to the wash room to get cleaned. Savita had brought 'Lux' soap and there we started the rubbing and washing session. There were dialogs like "idhar kar" ,"udhar kar", "yaar yeh kese jaayega", "mein ghar kese jaoongi"!! After the cleaning up session, we moved on to see the 'flower show'. But we were all too tired to really 'enjoy' that. Few of us sat down and few others went to buy a few small stuffs. But at the end of the day when we were dispersing to our respective houses, we realized how much we all enjoyed the day.




P.S. This post is dedicated to two friends of mine - Ajay and Abhishek, who got promoted from being my 'friend' to 'good friend' after they started following my blog. I know you both are waiting for this post of mine, hope it stands to ur expectations!

D Backbenchers

Its been almost 2 weeks since 3rd sem results are out, but still my department has not yet fully recovered. My results, much more than my expectations!! Seriously, this time every exam was a mess. I was under such a bad phase of life during the exam days that I had stopped expecting anything out of myself. But yeah sum incidents in life make my belief in God go stronger. I scored 80% this time. Cheese!!

Am not writing this to boast about my marks, rather I have a thought in my head which is disturbing me for the past two weeks. I was in bus going back home when I got to know my results thru sms. Next day morning when I was passing my million dollar smile to my classmates, it hurted me to receive back tears. I could find many gloomy faces, disappointment and sadness dropping from eyelids, people giving lectures on positive thinking, encouraging each other to face the world boldly and to move forward, people promising themselves that they will do well next time. Ayushi and Savita were busy consoling and saying "sab theek ho jayega". I couldn't do that. I stood alone in a corner, watching the whole scenario and crying softly.

I don't understand how can I go to sumone with 50% aggregate and say "sab theek ho jayega", when I just cant c and understand "sab theek kese hoga?". I don't understand how can I ask a person to smile when they have scored so low. I don't understand how can I celebrate my good marks when my near-n-dear once are sad. I tried to stay away from all these discussions. When such sensitive topics starts, I always prefer isolation. I don't like and just cant see anyone crying. It makes me feel very low. I forgot all about my happiness and got very disturbed.

That day in lab when I was working with my circuit, Mung came. He was working sitting next to me when he congratulated me for my results. When I asked him, he said his aggregate is 30%. I froze for a second. He didn't notice and continued his talk. He said "When I was doing my graduation, I was the topper in my university. That time when my brother used to score less, I used to tell him to study. But now I realize, sumtimes one doesn't score well even if he studies". I put my circuit down and looked at him. He stopped his work, looked at me and said "Shru... when u become a professor and u c that a student has not scored well, don't think he is not studying". tap... tap... tap... there my precious tears which I was holding on since morning finally started falling. Mung tried to stop me and he felt bad thinking he has hurt me. But that's not true. 'He' didn't hurt me, its sumthing else that has actually hurt me. And I still have not figured out what it is.

Next day for the morning 10 o'clk lecture, I was a little late so missed out on the first bench. Though I could have managed a seat in the front rows, I took this as a chance to go and sit in the last bench. Incidentally, Mung came and sat next to me and said "Probably its the first time in this sem that u r sitting in the last bench". My mental dialogue "Its the first time in my whole life that am sitting in the last bench"! I noticed many things sitting from there. Firstly, its very difficult to concentrate on the lecture when ur neighbor is busy pressing the keypad of mobile phone constantly or eating lunch or discussing the blue eye-shadow with blue jeans! I tried my best to concentrate on the 'green-board' but I noticed that when u don't c the writings on the board so clearly from the last seat, a certain level of frustration develops which doesn't let a person enjoy the lectures. Sitting in the first bench, I used to get lost during lectures and it used to feel like sir is taking a private tuition for me. But when u r on the last bench and u c 200 heads in front of u, all shaking and doing all the possible acts, one sure gets distracted.

After the lecture got over, I shared my observations with my friends (d frontbenchers) I got to hear arguments like "y don't those ppl interact with us", "we never deny for notes", "y don't they ask sir to write boldly if they cant c", etc. etc. "Those ppl" here refers to the backbenchers. I noticed that a 'class' is broadly divided into two groups, the frontbenchers and the backbenchers. I realized its very easy for the frontbenchers to ask doubts coz they see only 'sir' in front of them while for the backbenchers, they see 'sir' after crossing 200 heads and that makes their life tougher.

Yeah but one thing I don't understand yet, y do people sit in the backbench when they want to score like the frontbenchers!

Memorable wedding.

It was an usual lunch break in college last year when we came to know from Namrata that she is gonna get married next year. ‘Next Year’ sounded so far that time… even a month ago, we were having fun teasing her with the count down of days… didn’t really realize that this smart looking easy-going girl is actually gonna get ‘Married!!’

She being the first in the group to be entering the new life, was handling things really maturely and calmly. We, being kid at heart were jumping around her like little tad-poles. The day she showed her "would be's" pic in the lab, half the group went flattttttttt !! Every corner of the lab was murmuring, "How lucky". n there were giggles n laughs all over the place. That was a day ! She has taken a leave for almost 2 weeks from the college and when it was the day for us to see her off, we all hugged her one by one and wished her luck.

Her marriage was yday and we were all invited for the occasion but since the venue wasn't so easily accessible by all and since not everybody got the permission to attend the wedding at night, we decided to attend the morning ceremony. We were instructed by her to 'reach' her house by 11. Since it was a group of 9 girls all scattered across Delhi, we decided to meet at the metro station near her place sharp at '11'. Me and Ayu, the ever punctual reached 10 min before time. Neha and Sonum joined us within 15 min and they were coming directly from the college after attending a 'lecture'. Studious people, yeah!! Megha and Savita joined in shortly and then started the make up and touch up session (in front of the metro exit gate!!!!). Yes d act did invite many unwanted and unacknowledged stares but then we were all too busy and excited to bother for such things. Eyeliner, lipstick, gloss, comb... all passing on from one hand to other and all taking extra efforts to make sure that everyone looked good ! Our touch-up session ended when Smita, Bharti and Shalini finally joined us and we all set to move to the 'brides house'

Megha

Bharti Smita

Ayushi Savita Shalini Sonam Neha

On reaching her house, we got a very warm welcome from her and her family. Her little cousin was allotted the duty to stand at the door and say “namaste”… the cute little girl had a tough time blushing sheepishly and receiving the crowd of crazy giggling girls!! Namrata looked happy and as calm as ever with those lovely mehron-golden beaded ‘kalereen’ hanging from her hand.We all got a welcome hug from her and then shifted to her room to chit chat with her. Thanks to the time we spent out-side the metro station, we had missed the ceremony she had invited us for! But never-the-less, we knew we had much more to do there than attend ceremony.

We were giggling around, eating bread-pakoda and discussing all the possible topics that was coming to our head when we heard the 'dhol' noise and Shalini announced that she knows how to play the 'dhol'. Bravo! what more can we want. We moved out of the brides room taking her along with us, sat in a circle and Shalini started playing the Dhol. Megha after a little pressure and pleading done by us, agreed to sing. That was some fun. We made a circle around the bride and there was dancing and singing and dhol and ofcourse lots of comments and giggling. It was sure sure Fun !! And one could hear "mazaa aa gaya" every second minute from some one or the other. After we all got tired and sat down, the family members continued with their rituals and went out for a ceremony called 'ghardoli'.

We preferred to stay back with our friend and asked her about how it 'feels' to get married. There was sum kinda mixed emotions in her eyes. She was happy for sure, for the new life... she was excited but yeah was nervous too. But we switched over the topic realizing the fact that we are there to lighten up the atmosphere and not to make it heavier! It was a little funny when she enquired how the final year project is shaping up and how many classes she has missed. But with Auyshi around, she needn't really worry about the missing class notes! When her relatives came back, we all got ready to leave when her parents made us wait for lunch. Namrata got busy with her other rituals and we started planning to watch 'my name is khan' next week. Soon the lunch was served and we went for it in sub-groups (sharing plates) so that we don't make much of a mess there. After the yummy food, it was time for us to leave after giving her our heart-felt wishes!!

Every moment spent was enjoyable and cherishable. It was the first time I had attended a 'friend' wedding. As compared to cousin's or family friend's or neighbor's wedding, a friend's wedding is sure much more enjoyable. This day will stay as a very happy memory of our college life in all our hearts. When we all parted off from the metro station, we exchanged the invitations for our own wedding... ofcourse invitations have been sent out without the slightest clue of whats in store for us in our future... but if things really go as planned, it would actually be so much Fun!

~ Unspoken words ~

What is there for me to cry for

when u too could feel my pain

what is there for me to hate u for

when u understood it all so plain.

I knew this day gonna come

I will lose the rights to think about u

I tried to pull as far as I could

my feelings were ever so true.

I wish I had never felt all that

I wish I hadn’t said all that

I wish I hadn’t fallen so badly

why did we had to part off so sadly?

words will never be enough

to convey what I felt

my wet eyes tried to speak

if only I had let u see

I wanted u to stop me

not let me just walk away

there was still so so much

for me to say !!

U were all I was living for

U were all I was waiting for

guess I lost my destination

walking in the path of success.

A day changed my life

A moment changed my world

I started hating myself

for not giving u enough.

If I were indeed a 'perfect computer'

true to what u once said,

it would have been so much easier for me

to delete u from my memory.

Sigh! Am a human being

I got a heart inside

and this pain is too hard on me to take

help me someone, for god’s sake!

New Year... New Outlook

This is gonna be a very very special post for me, reason being this is my 50th post here. Ah! My blog page... am the proud owner of this page... Feels so good!!

As the new year starts off... am feeling a little nostalgic. With vacations on and nothing purposeful to do, my thoughts are all clinched to the past, reminding me of all the small mistakes to big blunders I have made, from all the little good things to the major achievements I have received, from all the thick friends to all the unforgettable foes I have gained... Yes! there r definitely two sides of every coin!

They say "A person grows up the day he has a real laugh at himself"... I realized I have enuf reasons to laugh at myself, guess am grown up now! The process of growing up has always been a fascination for me. I always craved to archived a perfection in that act for which I make resolutions every year and at the end of the year when I open my diary to the first day, I pass myself a proud smile. That is how it goes for me, every year. The resolutions are nothing too great, just the small little things. Last year I had resolved to b regular in blogging and to post at-least 1 post every month. U can c for urself, I did it! Last year I had resolved that my mobile bill wont exceed Rs.100, and it never did. Though I do resolve not to cry every year, there actually hasn't passed a single month when I don't shed tear. Resolutions are made... some make it to last stage, some gets broken soon, some are made to be broken and some are just forgotten.... Still they r all so special !

This year, I have resolved not to make any resolutions. This New Year gonna be seen with a new outlook... am going in for a 'change'. Though I had always hated that word 'change' but there comes a stage in every one's life when things get too monotonous. Am quite tired of my life coz its missing that 'sumthing'! My life has ever been very smooth and clear. I archive my goals coz I work too damn hard. I never give myself a chance to fail but I realize this 'over protection' has in a way deprived me of sum of the failures which might have made me stronger. Am so used to victories that even small disappointments drive me to a hyper state of depression. Am looking forward to this year hoping to receive failures my way. I really wanna experience that. I wanna see how much of 'bad things' I can tolerate. I wanna see myself breaking down... am tired of the simple life, time for sum thing more challenging and 'interesting'.

Though it sounds a little vague when I say "don't wish me good luck, wish me bad luck", but I really really wanna experience that. There is just one life a person gets and they say one should enjoy it to fullest. Its never a surprise when I find my name in the toppers list, neither does it ever surprise those who get the news. Its like a routine these days. Come to think of it, I know I start studying for my final sem exam since the first day so there isn't anything surprising when I top. Surprise will be when I don't top even after studying so much or when I do top without studying so much. The first category will be a painful act so I wont wish for that but yeah if the second thing happens, then that's sumthing! I don't know how its gonna work but yeah mayb I can try a new outlook for one sem at-least. After all, this last sem is gonna be the last phase of my academic career. I will b stepping a professional life in the mid of the year, so y not take a chance?

Change is always for the better, right?? Lets see....

Wish u all a very happy and satisfactory New Year !!!

My first award

Hey Meenakshi !! Welcome to my world :)

This new friend of mine has awarded me with the honorable "No Name Award". This being my first award is very close to my heart... a friendship starting with an award, guess long way to go!!

Oh! I have so many people to thank (a customary dialogue, read in hell lot of blogs). The almighty up there who has blessed me with enough patience to tolerate the torture my modem creates by disconnecting every 10 mins, my parents who have given me enough independence to blabber any damn thing here and not peeping in to check what all I write, my friends who consistently get bugged by me and under such forceful circumstances do drop in comments and ofcourse my fellow bloggers whose constant comments and encouragments has been a source of inspiration and has always boosted up my spirits.

After all that formal stuff, lets get back to business. There are certain rules associated with this award. The rules are:

* List 7 things about yourself that nobody knows.

* Pass on this award to 7 other people.

* Comment on thier blog and let them know that they are tagged.

Here goes the Tag...

1) I love my dad much much much more than Mom... though Mom is a better friend!

2) Just a few seconds before you read this, my email password was 'password'

3) I wanna buy a scooty with my first stipend.

4) I never wanna look good coz it attracts nasty looks and I hate it !

5) I value three things the most - time, money and words. Nothing of it is ever spent without calculations ;)

6) My ultimate dream is to be a writer :)

7) I drive car bare foot, I just dont have the confidence when my shoes are on.

So as the rule goes, I need to tag 7 fellow bloggers.

Neha : http://idontlykblogging.blogspot.com/ (wake up girl !!!)

Karthick : http://karthickspeaks.blogspot.com/ (do it buddy!)

Adisha : http://adiws3.blogspot.com/ (U been lost for a long time now!)

Angel : http://cutestangel.wordpress.com/ (Take it up girl! its fun!!)

Jack : http://niceguy251.blogspot.com/ (would love to know ur secrets)

Gopsay : http://gopal1993.blogspot.com/ (Dint visit u for long. wil do it soon)

Siva : http://hamactor.wordpress.com/ (new blog uh?)

My Life... My way... !

It sure hurts when 'others' prove u wrong but I speak out of my own experience that it hurts more when ur own conscience proves u wrong. Every person is answerable to their own guilt, its just the capacity to hang on with the guilt, that varies from person to person. Guess, this is what differentiates the 'strong' and the 'weak' personality.

Given this criteria, I for sure am weak. Am so protective about myself that I never let myself do things outside the fixed set of rules am living with. I call it discipline, many call it punishment.

I never understood why ppl find it so difficult to believe that am actually living my life very happily and satisfactorily. If my definition of 'fun and happiness' doesn't tally with others, then will that mean am not enjoying? Hello !! Firstly I don't understand y I need to give an account of my way of living to others? Ok fine, even if I relax that a bit and say am answerable to my near and dear's coz they have a concern on me, still I cant c my life from their point of view right?

I don't like watching TV aimlessly for hours together, I don't like to waste my time lazying around day dreaming, I don't like chit chatting on phone for hours together, I don't like the worried look in my mom's face when I get late, I don't like to eat junks from road side, I don't like to pile up my wardrobe for the heck of it, I don't like to cheat, I don't like to hurt others, I don't like to lie, I don't want to get drunk, I don't wanna try drugs, I don't want to party a day before exam, I don't like to neglect my family, I certainly never wanna mocker my teachers, and the list goes on....

Is it too crumbled and twisted when I say 'I DON'T' like these things. Y is it so difficult for others to believe that am actually speaking from my heart. Am no hypocrite who wanna sell herself. If ppl don't like me, they r free to move away, am not holding on to anyone. But then what is so difficult in it to understand? Ofcourse its irritating when I listen to the phrase 'U don't live ur life'. And I have till now heard it in more than 20 voices, more than 50 times!!

What is happiness for me? Well... it is when I reap the rewards for my hard work. The minute I see my mark-sheet, I forget about all the boredom and pain I felt during the preparation period. I always choose the longer but safe routes, no short-cuts for me please. Happiness is when u enjoy what u r doing... when u know y u r doing this? what u will gain with that act? whats the purpose of this task? I always associate such questions to every doing of mine, right from blinking to eating. There has to be a logic behind every step I take. I need answers, I ask questions. I kinda love these mental dialogues which keep buzzing in every second and every second dialogue sounds 'worth blogging' to me. But yeah I need to take out time to sit and type all those. Long live blogger world! Such a lovely medium to pour down thoughts.

D FeeL GooD Factor

Ah! Well... I am feeling a little low on life. No 'one' particular reason as such, just that some unplanned/out-of-the box incidents has shaken up the smooth sailing boat of my life. Why is it that things don't work the way I want it to? How did I got so weak on my emotions that I couldn't figure out what am doing? 'I' the head-strong girl who always stood by her plans, who could always discriminate the right n wrong things, who so proudly used to say 'I don't do the wrong things'... I hated seeing myself going so weak.

No I haven't committed a crime to be feeling so guilty about. Am not feeling guilty about my act but am feeling bad about the 'wrong timing'. "I didn't want it at this time" that was what I said right after telling HIM those 3 words....!! Well yeah!!

Don't scroll down expecting a filmy love-story... sorry to disappoint you but nothing interesting is cooking up. I didn't convey that to get to hear the sweet-nothings from him. Rather very frankly speaking, I don't know why I did that. But as if that was not all, I didn't even try to get to know the response. How damn idiotic! You know what, I feel like shouting at myself "Get a hold girl! what are you upto?" n very unfortunately, I don't have an answer to that question. Its not in my hands. Damn! What have I done!

So now that I have messed up my life good enough to be trying to resolve things, I have decided not to let myself go low. Time for some positive thinking n to 'feel good'. What has happened, is past and past cant be remade. So now, how to feel good? I have seen people doing weird acts when they go low. Ayushi generally 'eats' like a mini monster when she feels low. Seriously, she can eat anything to everything during her off moods. But that never works for me. Rather I personally lose interest in eating during my low time but yeah I get on to cooking n I cook exceptionally well during my off-moods. The worst the mood is, the better the food is :)

My general golden rule during such days will be to take so much of work in hand that I get no time to even 'feel' low. But I realized that when I do that, am in a way punishing myself for no good reason. Rather in general people take a break during such time. But a break at this time with semester exams on head and entrance exams to give? Doesn't sound like a good idea right? So then what else can I do? Yeah listening to peppy music did help but that was very short-lived. I changed all the retro sad songs in my play-list with unbearable loud rock music, but that's only causing me a headache and doing no good.

My mom have this bad habit of whining and crying during her mood offs but I don't like to dramatize and seek attention so I don't do that. Dad generally go out (donno where exactly) but am too lazy n low in confidence to roam about alone so I cant even do that. Bro watches those stupid cricket matches or cartoons in TV the whole day when ever he feels low but am not a TV person, rather if am to be precise, I hardly watch TV for 10 min a day in general. One of my cousin used to take up the car and go on drive when upset. But am too miserly a person to waste money on petrol for such stupid reason. I have seen people crying out on phone to friends... well... I don't feel like doing that too.

Though am absolutely normal while talking with my friends and during all other activities but still I feel something from inside is pulling me down to stop... think... and to get a hold of things. I feel like talking and discussing the matter in a brighter light but then am not sure if it will untangle the maze or will make the scenario worst. As of now, I cant say am sad. No am not sad or disappointed but am just feeling a little low. I have always felt that these emotions, sentiments... all such humanly feelings bring down the net efficiency of doing work. If I were not a human, I would have been so much more efficient than what am now.

Oh! I started diverting from the topic. So I was to feel good right? Nirula's hot chocolate fudge didn't do its magic on me n neither are the long walks helping. Books seems to have lost charm and PJ's don't tickle my humor cells anymore. I have stopped passing on my sweet smile and look lost these days. My 'sparkling' eyes look so dull that I don't stand in front of the mirror. Am trying my level best to boost up my spirits and working hard to feel good. Tried the 'look good, feel good' policy but that too in vain. Blogging was my last option so am looking onto it. Guess am tending towards depression but I cant let myself go down.

I bet I wont be sounding so low in my next blog post. I will cheer up myself. Please put in ur feel good factors and I will sure try them out for myself.

For u Crabby...

Wishing for a magic wand,
to help all those who are sad.
I don't want it for me
its just smile that I wanna see.

Feeling helpless and sad,
Oh! this feeling is so bad
heart-aching seeing a friend in pain,
sympathy, is that a gain?

Where is God when things go wrong,
whom was I worshiping for so long?
'Good people deserve good things',
to this policy I always clinched.

I wish I could help out.
In my own net, am caught.
Feeling like breaking free,
for the smile I wanna see.

No words to say,
No need to convey,
Silence speaks it all loud
Searching the silver lining in the cloud.

Unbelievably shaken from inside,
Yes! Yes! lots I cried.
Am I to be labeled weak?
For strength, whom to seek?

How much is actually too much?
How much can one take?
How can one manage a smile,
which looks so fake!

"My prayers are always answered",
So proudly I used to say.
Guess its working no more
even if its from the inner core.

Oh God! Please bless my friend
with so much hope and strength
That he stand tall in the high-tide
Am sure there by his side :)

Trouble - Shooters

Am getting a 'welcome back home' kinda feeling while seeing my dashboard after almost 20 days. After three consecutive non-stop week of hectic schedule, I finally decided to take a day off tomorrow, essentially coz "am too tired" n sick of my routine now. Though I feel very guilty when I bunk classes or take leaves but this time I have managed to convince myself very well that I do honestly deserve at least a day off.

The new session i.e. the final year of my 'studies' started last month. I was to choose a specialization subject n I opted for my ever favorite 'electronics'. Though I had always found electronics lab much more challenging n interesting that all the other labs, the initial days in my Electronics (final) lab was making me regret my choice. Unlike the earlier labs where we used to work in pairs n were given full liberty to choose our partners, here we are supposed to work in a "group" of 6, with absolutely no liberty to choose partners. By god's grace n with constant pleading, our professors agreed to keep me n Ayushi in one group... cheesee!!!

The basic requirement in a group as per our 'laboratory norms' is its heterogeneity @ marks, @ gender, @ discipline, @ responsibility... etc. etc.!! My group consist of 3 girls n 3 boys... I wil b introducing them one by one but believe me the first word that I said when I found out my group's content was "OMG!!" I had always enjoyed group work n I know I can easily bind with people coz I personally love to analyze everyone which in turn, helps me in understanding them. Of course by virtue of habit, I tend to dominate n don't trust anyone easily which creates slight friction when I get into this group work business but since I know my weak points, this time I decided to work on them.

Let me now introduce u to my group people, now my friends!! Oh by the way, after a series of discussions n arguments n wastage of time, we have named our group "Trouble Shooters" n the biggest trouble shooter is Ajay, our group leader. There doesn't pass a single hour when Ayu n Ajay don't fight. These two r like Tom n Jerry n doesn't need 'reason' to fight... any damn thing will work wonders!! I personally love the brain war I have with Ajay when he tries to act over smart n I will be trying to pull him down to ground. But we both have no personal grudges n adore each others thoughts, though ours doesn't match. Best part with Ajay will be when I will be giving him instructions as in "what to do" "what not to do" "what to ask others to do" n stuff n he will be nodding his head heavily in all possible directions n I will be wondering sarcastically "Group leader, ah?"

Next one to come in picture will be 'Gin Suan Mung'... no am not talking french neither is it a spelling mistake, thats the name of a flirt guy in the group who asks me "Shru, can I sing for u"... well... he sings well!!! Singing is something which I get to hear from him daily but he is sumone who doesn't mind dancing in the lab n will always make sure that I pass a smile when I will be in my 'hyper tension' state. A very sweet guy who always makes stupid excuses when it will be his turn to go n fill everyone's water-bottle. Then there is Punit who always stays in invisible mode but got such a strong luck line that the very minute sir asks for him, suddenly he will appear from the middle of no where. A guy whose concepts are crystal clear, very outward who talks about 'treat' n 'food' all the time but finishes his 'part' of work, neither little extra, nor little less.

The girl left other than Me n Ayu is Meenakshi... a nice girl who works really hard. Very punctual who will make sure that she announces her departure to each n every corner of the lab... her departure event will take 30 minutes from her n at-last she will realize that everyone but for her has left the lab. Stays a little lost n confused n will come to me giving me an expression of "am totally messed up"!! N when I give her simple solution, she will give an expression of "am so confused"... then I will giv her a short councilling session n she will get boosted up n will get back to work. Ayu of course, my bestest friend as usual always charming who asks me to mind my own work n not to waste my time doing others work. Who will come to me shouting "learn to say no!!"

In nut-shell my initial expression of "OMG" has changed its meaning in this one month... now I say, OMG such lovely group. All 6 of us have now understood each other n don't mind the cross talks. Ajay don't mind when I tell him "U got no brains!" n neither did Mung get hurt when he asked me to accompany him to football finals n I said "I have better things to do". Meenakshi doesn't seem to get offended when I de-solder her 3 hour job n ask her to do it again teaching her how to do it properly. We joke together, dance together, literally run around in lab chasing each other to fight, discuss each n everything we learn, exchange notes, blah blah!!

My extended one week birthday celebration was thrilling with such friends around. Oh by the way last month 27th August was my birthday n I have turned 21 now. I so badly wanted to blog but just couldn't squeeze out time. But these friends will b my best birthday gift. We have made certain rules to be followed which includes 'party after finishing each experiment'... n Mung n me r gonna dance ;)

New friends into the kitty always makes me feel so lucky !!!