My first award

Hey Meenakshi !! Welcome to my world :)

This new friend of mine has awarded me with the honorable "No Name Award". This being my first award is very close to my heart... a friendship starting with an award, guess long way to go!!

Oh! I have so many people to thank (a customary dialogue, read in hell lot of blogs). The almighty up there who has blessed me with enough patience to tolerate the torture my modem creates by disconnecting every 10 mins, my parents who have given me enough independence to blabber any damn thing here and not peeping in to check what all I write, my friends who consistently get bugged by me and under such forceful circumstances do drop in comments and ofcourse my fellow bloggers whose constant comments and encouragments has been a source of inspiration and has always boosted up my spirits.

After all that formal stuff, lets get back to business. There are certain rules associated with this award. The rules are:

* List 7 things about yourself that nobody knows.

* Pass on this award to 7 other people.

* Comment on thier blog and let them know that they are tagged.

Here goes the Tag...

1) I love my dad much much much more than Mom... though Mom is a better friend!

2) Just a few seconds before you read this, my email password was 'password'

3) I wanna buy a scooty with my first stipend.

4) I never wanna look good coz it attracts nasty looks and I hate it !

5) I value three things the most - time, money and words. Nothing of it is ever spent without calculations ;)

6) My ultimate dream is to be a writer :)

7) I drive car bare foot, I just dont have the confidence when my shoes are on.

So as the rule goes, I need to tag 7 fellow bloggers.

Neha : http://idontlykblogging.blogspot.com/ (wake up girl !!!)

Karthick : http://karthickspeaks.blogspot.com/ (do it buddy!)

Adisha : http://adiws3.blogspot.com/ (U been lost for a long time now!)

Angel : http://cutestangel.wordpress.com/ (Take it up girl! its fun!!)

Jack : http://niceguy251.blogspot.com/ (would love to know ur secrets)

Gopsay : http://gopal1993.blogspot.com/ (Dint visit u for long. wil do it soon)

Siva : http://hamactor.wordpress.com/ (new blog uh?)

My Life... My way... !

It sure hurts when 'others' prove u wrong but I speak out of my own experience that it hurts more when ur own conscience proves u wrong. Every person is answerable to their own guilt, its just the capacity to hang on with the guilt, that varies from person to person. Guess, this is what differentiates the 'strong' and the 'weak' personality.

Given this criteria, I for sure am weak. Am so protective about myself that I never let myself do things outside the fixed set of rules am living with. I call it discipline, many call it punishment.

I never understood why ppl find it so difficult to believe that am actually living my life very happily and satisfactorily. If my definition of 'fun and happiness' doesn't tally with others, then will that mean am not enjoying? Hello !! Firstly I don't understand y I need to give an account of my way of living to others? Ok fine, even if I relax that a bit and say am answerable to my near and dear's coz they have a concern on me, still I cant c my life from their point of view right?

I don't like watching TV aimlessly for hours together, I don't like to waste my time lazying around day dreaming, I don't like chit chatting on phone for hours together, I don't like the worried look in my mom's face when I get late, I don't like to eat junks from road side, I don't like to pile up my wardrobe for the heck of it, I don't like to cheat, I don't like to hurt others, I don't like to lie, I don't want to get drunk, I don't wanna try drugs, I don't want to party a day before exam, I don't like to neglect my family, I certainly never wanna mocker my teachers, and the list goes on....

Is it too crumbled and twisted when I say 'I DON'T' like these things. Y is it so difficult for others to believe that am actually speaking from my heart. Am no hypocrite who wanna sell herself. If ppl don't like me, they r free to move away, am not holding on to anyone. But then what is so difficult in it to understand? Ofcourse its irritating when I listen to the phrase 'U don't live ur life'. And I have till now heard it in more than 20 voices, more than 50 times!!

What is happiness for me? Well... it is when I reap the rewards for my hard work. The minute I see my mark-sheet, I forget about all the boredom and pain I felt during the preparation period. I always choose the longer but safe routes, no short-cuts for me please. Happiness is when u enjoy what u r doing... when u know y u r doing this? what u will gain with that act? whats the purpose of this task? I always associate such questions to every doing of mine, right from blinking to eating. There has to be a logic behind every step I take. I need answers, I ask questions. I kinda love these mental dialogues which keep buzzing in every second and every second dialogue sounds 'worth blogging' to me. But yeah I need to take out time to sit and type all those. Long live blogger world! Such a lovely medium to pour down thoughts.

D FeeL GooD Factor

Ah! Well... I am feeling a little low on life. No 'one' particular reason as such, just that some unplanned/out-of-the box incidents has shaken up the smooth sailing boat of my life. Why is it that things don't work the way I want it to? How did I got so weak on my emotions that I couldn't figure out what am doing? 'I' the head-strong girl who always stood by her plans, who could always discriminate the right n wrong things, who so proudly used to say 'I don't do the wrong things'... I hated seeing myself going so weak.

No I haven't committed a crime to be feeling so guilty about. Am not feeling guilty about my act but am feeling bad about the 'wrong timing'. "I didn't want it at this time" that was what I said right after telling HIM those 3 words....!! Well yeah!!

Don't scroll down expecting a filmy love-story... sorry to disappoint you but nothing interesting is cooking up. I didn't convey that to get to hear the sweet-nothings from him. Rather very frankly speaking, I don't know why I did that. But as if that was not all, I didn't even try to get to know the response. How damn idiotic! You know what, I feel like shouting at myself "Get a hold girl! what are you upto?" n very unfortunately, I don't have an answer to that question. Its not in my hands. Damn! What have I done!

So now that I have messed up my life good enough to be trying to resolve things, I have decided not to let myself go low. Time for some positive thinking n to 'feel good'. What has happened, is past and past cant be remade. So now, how to feel good? I have seen people doing weird acts when they go low. Ayushi generally 'eats' like a mini monster when she feels low. Seriously, she can eat anything to everything during her off moods. But that never works for me. Rather I personally lose interest in eating during my low time but yeah I get on to cooking n I cook exceptionally well during my off-moods. The worst the mood is, the better the food is :)

My general golden rule during such days will be to take so much of work in hand that I get no time to even 'feel' low. But I realized that when I do that, am in a way punishing myself for no good reason. Rather in general people take a break during such time. But a break at this time with semester exams on head and entrance exams to give? Doesn't sound like a good idea right? So then what else can I do? Yeah listening to peppy music did help but that was very short-lived. I changed all the retro sad songs in my play-list with unbearable loud rock music, but that's only causing me a headache and doing no good.

My mom have this bad habit of whining and crying during her mood offs but I don't like to dramatize and seek attention so I don't do that. Dad generally go out (donno where exactly) but am too lazy n low in confidence to roam about alone so I cant even do that. Bro watches those stupid cricket matches or cartoons in TV the whole day when ever he feels low but am not a TV person, rather if am to be precise, I hardly watch TV for 10 min a day in general. One of my cousin used to take up the car and go on drive when upset. But am too miserly a person to waste money on petrol for such stupid reason. I have seen people crying out on phone to friends... well... I don't feel like doing that too.

Though am absolutely normal while talking with my friends and during all other activities but still I feel something from inside is pulling me down to stop... think... and to get a hold of things. I feel like talking and discussing the matter in a brighter light but then am not sure if it will untangle the maze or will make the scenario worst. As of now, I cant say am sad. No am not sad or disappointed but am just feeling a little low. I have always felt that these emotions, sentiments... all such humanly feelings bring down the net efficiency of doing work. If I were not a human, I would have been so much more efficient than what am now.

Oh! I started diverting from the topic. So I was to feel good right? Nirula's hot chocolate fudge didn't do its magic on me n neither are the long walks helping. Books seems to have lost charm and PJ's don't tickle my humor cells anymore. I have stopped passing on my sweet smile and look lost these days. My 'sparkling' eyes look so dull that I don't stand in front of the mirror. Am trying my level best to boost up my spirits and working hard to feel good. Tried the 'look good, feel good' policy but that too in vain. Blogging was my last option so am looking onto it. Guess am tending towards depression but I cant let myself go down.

I bet I wont be sounding so low in my next blog post. I will cheer up myself. Please put in ur feel good factors and I will sure try them out for myself.

For u Crabby...

Wishing for a magic wand,
to help all those who are sad.
I don't want it for me
its just smile that I wanna see.

Feeling helpless and sad,
Oh! this feeling is so bad
heart-aching seeing a friend in pain,
sympathy, is that a gain?

Where is God when things go wrong,
whom was I worshiping for so long?
'Good people deserve good things',
to this policy I always clinched.

I wish I could help out.
In my own net, am caught.
Feeling like breaking free,
for the smile I wanna see.

No words to say,
No need to convey,
Silence speaks it all loud
Searching the silver lining in the cloud.

Unbelievably shaken from inside,
Yes! Yes! lots I cried.
Am I to be labeled weak?
For strength, whom to seek?

How much is actually too much?
How much can one take?
How can one manage a smile,
which looks so fake!

"My prayers are always answered",
So proudly I used to say.
Guess its working no more
even if its from the inner core.

Oh God! Please bless my friend
with so much hope and strength
That he stand tall in the high-tide
Am sure there by his side :)

Trouble - Shooters

Am getting a 'welcome back home' kinda feeling while seeing my dashboard after almost 20 days. After three consecutive non-stop week of hectic schedule, I finally decided to take a day off tomorrow, essentially coz "am too tired" n sick of my routine now. Though I feel very guilty when I bunk classes or take leaves but this time I have managed to convince myself very well that I do honestly deserve at least a day off.

The new session i.e. the final year of my 'studies' started last month. I was to choose a specialization subject n I opted for my ever favorite 'electronics'. Though I had always found electronics lab much more challenging n interesting that all the other labs, the initial days in my Electronics (final) lab was making me regret my choice. Unlike the earlier labs where we used to work in pairs n were given full liberty to choose our partners, here we are supposed to work in a "group" of 6, with absolutely no liberty to choose partners. By god's grace n with constant pleading, our professors agreed to keep me n Ayushi in one group... cheesee!!!

The basic requirement in a group as per our 'laboratory norms' is its heterogeneity @ marks, @ gender, @ discipline, @ responsibility... etc. etc.!! My group consist of 3 girls n 3 boys... I wil b introducing them one by one but believe me the first word that I said when I found out my group's content was "OMG!!" I had always enjoyed group work n I know I can easily bind with people coz I personally love to analyze everyone which in turn, helps me in understanding them. Of course by virtue of habit, I tend to dominate n don't trust anyone easily which creates slight friction when I get into this group work business but since I know my weak points, this time I decided to work on them.

Let me now introduce u to my group people, now my friends!! Oh by the way, after a series of discussions n arguments n wastage of time, we have named our group "Trouble Shooters" n the biggest trouble shooter is Ajay, our group leader. There doesn't pass a single hour when Ayu n Ajay don't fight. These two r like Tom n Jerry n doesn't need 'reason' to fight... any damn thing will work wonders!! I personally love the brain war I have with Ajay when he tries to act over smart n I will be trying to pull him down to ground. But we both have no personal grudges n adore each others thoughts, though ours doesn't match. Best part with Ajay will be when I will be giving him instructions as in "what to do" "what not to do" "what to ask others to do" n stuff n he will be nodding his head heavily in all possible directions n I will be wondering sarcastically "Group leader, ah?"

Next one to come in picture will be 'Gin Suan Mung'... no am not talking french neither is it a spelling mistake, thats the name of a flirt guy in the group who asks me "Shru, can I sing for u"... well... he sings well!!! Singing is something which I get to hear from him daily but he is sumone who doesn't mind dancing in the lab n will always make sure that I pass a smile when I will be in my 'hyper tension' state. A very sweet guy who always makes stupid excuses when it will be his turn to go n fill everyone's water-bottle. Then there is Punit who always stays in invisible mode but got such a strong luck line that the very minute sir asks for him, suddenly he will appear from the middle of no where. A guy whose concepts are crystal clear, very outward who talks about 'treat' n 'food' all the time but finishes his 'part' of work, neither little extra, nor little less.

The girl left other than Me n Ayu is Meenakshi... a nice girl who works really hard. Very punctual who will make sure that she announces her departure to each n every corner of the lab... her departure event will take 30 minutes from her n at-last she will realize that everyone but for her has left the lab. Stays a little lost n confused n will come to me giving me an expression of "am totally messed up"!! N when I give her simple solution, she will give an expression of "am so confused"... then I will giv her a short councilling session n she will get boosted up n will get back to work. Ayu of course, my bestest friend as usual always charming who asks me to mind my own work n not to waste my time doing others work. Who will come to me shouting "learn to say no!!"

In nut-shell my initial expression of "OMG" has changed its meaning in this one month... now I say, OMG such lovely group. All 6 of us have now understood each other n don't mind the cross talks. Ajay don't mind when I tell him "U got no brains!" n neither did Mung get hurt when he asked me to accompany him to football finals n I said "I have better things to do". Meenakshi doesn't seem to get offended when I de-solder her 3 hour job n ask her to do it again teaching her how to do it properly. We joke together, dance together, literally run around in lab chasing each other to fight, discuss each n everything we learn, exchange notes, blah blah!!

My extended one week birthday celebration was thrilling with such friends around. Oh by the way last month 27th August was my birthday n I have turned 21 now. I so badly wanted to blog but just couldn't squeeze out time. But these friends will b my best birthday gift. We have made certain rules to be followed which includes 'party after finishing each experiment'... n Mung n me r gonna dance ;)

New friends into the kitty always makes me feel so lucky !!!

Oh My My !!

Where has all the time in this world gone??

All those days when I used to hang on online, full time available to chit-chat.... all those days when I used to clean up house for no particular reason... all those days when I used to cook dinner coz 'I felt like'... all those days when I used to cribble about getting bored... all those days when I aimlessly used to refresh my GMail inbox hoping for sum email to read... all those days when I used to just 'click click' on blog, from one profile to another to another to another.... all those days when I wished for the college to reopen n to get sum purposeful thing to do.... well all those days have become 'history' now!

Now my days break open at 6 with my mobile singing "Aashayeen (Iqbal)". Then hurriedly wishing everyone a good morning with a confused look wondering if mine wil be the same... brushing teeth while checking the bag to see if all the notes r there, recollecting who took the statistical note yday, the particle physics note? Oh! where has this electronics note gone now... boy! wat a start of the day.... recollecting who all to be reminded to return the notes n there starts the early morn sms session. "Bring the falana falana note".

Mom will be shouting from the kitchen, "what do u want for the lunch?" n my usual reply "any damn thing mom, who got the time to eat it?" but still I wonder y she asks me daily...!! So where was I? Yeah brushing teeth... oh done with it now... time for the morn booster dose, my hot cup of filter coffee... nooo no time to say "hmmmm" just sip sip n get going. Some pending assignments wil b lying there in the table n I wil get glued to it n before I wil realise, dad will come knocking the study door n reminding me its past 7. Wat? 7 soo soon.... I got up an hour earlier, no use... y cant time stop for me to finish up with this last question. I wonder how come I always get stuck to the 'last question' when dad calls... anyways no time to think, I better rush to have a bath. No splash splash games like I used to do in vacations... just pour the bucket of water over the head n move.

Daddy... where is the red kurta I asked u to press yday... Oh my black jeans, who put it for wash without asking me? My hanky? socks? shoes? I aksed u ppl so many times not to touch my things!!! Its 7:30 already...!! Bhai put my mobile on charger.... err... no better wil b to put the charger in my bag... err... no u dont touch my bag, u will take away my red pen... err... ok u better put the charger in my bag but dont take away my red pen... err... wait, I wil do it myself. Okk so what is left? Oh breakfast! Mooooooom... where is my corn flakes?? Oh btw what is thr for lunch today? Dadddy... pls keep the water bottle in my bag n check my purse, I guess its empty.

"tring tring" Ohh... Ayushi's miss call... this girl always leaves 5 min before. Its 7:45, I ask her to leave at 7:50 daily... watever... let her wait, I still have my shoes to put on. Mayb the socks I can wear in bus... bye mom! bye dad! bye bro! There I finally leave my "home sweet home" n rush to the bus stop where I need to wait 5 min for the bus n I would be wishing I had used that 5 min to finish my 'last question'. There to interrupt my thinking process, the bus wil arrive n Ayushi wil wake me up. After changing 2 buses I reach college by 8:50 to book the first seat, n me n Ayushi will exchange big smiles as if we have won some award... thats how we feel when we 'finally' reach colg.

There the 1st lecturer wil arrive sharp at 9 n wil leave around 10:05. The 2nd lecturer wil b cross on the 1st one for over-shooting the time n as a revenge will take class till 11:10 which in turn will annoy the 3rd lecturer n he will leave us at 12:15. Boy! 12:00 to 12:15 was the official 'lunch' time. Now u wil get y I said "no time for lunch". Sharp at 12:15 we have to report in the lab, which will go on till 4:15 n mind u, 4:15 is the official closing time but the faculty 'expects' us to drag on... n we do drag on coz there is actually so much work! So what-ever time we r done with the lab, we sigh wishing the 'home' to come to us so that we can relax for sum time... but then "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride them". After a few exchange of sympathetic words, we would all bid good bye to each other.

I generally reach home by 6. Wash my face, drink water, get changed to my tracks n tees n off for a walk. Am purposely maintaining the walk schedule coz I really feel relaxed that 1 hour. It rejuvenates the energy n I feel very fresh with that act. When I come back, I dont really get time to sit with my family to give them the details of what all is happening... rather its been quite a long time I 'talked' to them properly... coz the moment I come back from walk, its time for a bath n then with a bag loaded with assignments, I get to work. Honestly, I feel very bad am not able to spend time with some of the 'most imp' people in my life. But I dont feel like 'talking' with pending work in head. Its only around 11/12 when I finish off with studies that I feel free, but then they would have all slept by then so I would just check up mails, reply to those few n sleep off.

I miss the blogger stuff... being so long I read anybodies. Once upon a time, it was my best pastime but now I hardly get time to 'pass'...!! Today I got holiday after almost 15 days coz I am attending coaching classes for my CSIR-NET exam during weekends which r equally as long as college classes... so today being the Independence day, I had decided to give my self some Independence with the daily routine n sit to blog. But since morn, I couldn't get the freedom to do so. Had so much to study... but yeah, today eve I spent sum quality time with my family giving them my updates n I even apologized for almost 'ignoring' them so badly these days... but they understand.

Guys am sorry I didnt quite get enough time to check up anybodies blog. But I wil make sure I read all the pending post as soon as I squeeze out some time. Life is Hectic!!!

Scope 4 Improvement.

Triggered by a question "how much is too much?" here I start....

I have always felt n was told by many many many people that I over-do things. Ayushi always gets irritated by my extreme mood swings. There is never a moderation, how so ever hard I try! Yesterday my M.Sc. first year results were finally out after a long time waiting. Since I had already lost 5 of my precious marks by applying for re-evaluation in a subject I considered myself best in, I wasnt expecting too great results this time. I had kinda prepared myself very much well for not seeing my name in the top 10 list. Yeah that was a negative attitude, I agree! Am a very positive person for others but when it comes to myself, there cant be anyone more rude n harsh n bad for myself than me! Am my best critic. With a well prepared heart mind n soul when I was searching my name in the list, starting from the bottom, I was shocked to find it as the 2nd topper. I seriously couldnt believe what I was seeing n started crying. Believe me or not, I saw my result at 11 n till 2 I was sitting in front of the library, Crying unable to believe that am not dreaming! Later when I convinced myself that I have actually scored so well, I went back to the notice board n Ayushi made me feel my marks by placing my fingers on the list.

There when I saw the topper's mark, I found I lost that position by 3 marks. Suddenly I felt, if I hadnt lost those 5 marks, I would have topped with 2 grace marks. Its sad I think like that. I know. But yeah that thought did flash-in for a second n I cant deny that. Though I completely erased it in a jiffy classifying it as a 'negative thought' but yeah it did occur to me for once. Its an irony, few minutes ago a result which looked unbelievable to me suddenly sounded short by 3 marks. Its not that am not satisfied with my marks now, rather am much more than satisfied n kept telling everyone that I scored much more than expected n am very happy. None of the mentioned words r false. But yeah maybe if I had not lost those 5 marks...!!!

Once during a convo with a friend, he asked "Am I expecting too much from her?" The fact was that, he wasnt really... its just that he was expecting an acknowledgment for his acts if not reciprocation n I dont think that will b called 'expecting too much'. But then how do we decide what is 'too much' n wat is not? Say for example in my first yr grad, I scored 74%, if I had convinced myself that its a good mark then probably I would have never scored 90% in 3rd year. I could do that coz I was not satisfied with my marks in first year n wanted to improve. There is always a scope of improvement left in any of our acts. But then if we start improvising big things, wont we miss out on small small things?

There r two choices:

a) be satisfied with what all u r getting
b) run in the rat-race n smell the thrill of achievement.

I dont know which one is better. When it comes to marks n position n status, I have set quite high standards for myself n will always go in for the (b) option but yeah for friends n family n social standards, am very much with option (a).

I was just running a short list of things which I think will come under the category of 'too much'. Lemme jot down :

• Showing concern is Human, but dictating terms... is Too Much!
  

• Misunderstandings happens, but fight... is Too Much!

• Competing is healthy, but harming other... is Too Much!
  

• Having self-confidence is fine, but looking down at others... is Too Much!
  

• Praying to god for good result is obvious, but not studying for that... is Too Much!

• Being innocent is helplessness, but acting idiotic... is Too Much!

• Being flexible to changes is fab, but flowing with the tide always... is Too Much!

• Giving treat is fun, but spending lavishly n wasting food... is Too Much!
  

• Rains are heavenly, but the follow up 12 hr power cut.. is Too Much!
  

• Pulling a friend's leg is enjoyable, but ending up hurting them... is Too Much!
  

• Gossiping is notorious, but back-biting... is Too Much!

• Over speeding in high-way is sure thrill, but same done in a market place... is Too Much!

• Looking at girls is okie, but making them feel like an item for sale... is Too Much!

• Doing a wrong act can be justified, but not feeling guilty for it... is Too Much!

• Helping sumone is noble, but making them dependent... is Too Much!

• Planting a tree is to be encouraged, but not watering it... is Too Much!

• Fever is unfortunate to have, but being made to stick to bed the whole day... is Too Much!

• Studying late night for exams is worth it, but missing out the essential 6 hr sleep... is Too Much!

• Being busy is a fact, but not sparing a sec to reply to a friend's message who bothered to remember u in their good/bad time... is Too Much !

• Getting stuck in traffic jam is unavoidable, but not bothering to inform that to sumone waiting for u... is Too Much!

• Pouring frustation on blog is natural, but attempting to use all the words of English Dictonary on one post... is Too Much! Guess, I wil stop here.
  

First crush?

Ahem! Ahem! Give me a min... let me stop blushing first..!!!

Okk.. so for all those wondering 'wat the hell' am doing with this topic amidst studies n other pile of 'most important' list of work I got, well.... am just closing down a very special chapter of my life. I didnt title it 'confession' coz am not gonna do that... but in a way it wont b too wrong to title this as one.

The root cause for surfacing of this topic on my page again after quite a long time, was a school get-together I had last weekend. It was one of the biggest get-together we ever had after school days... we were 9 of us meeting up after 4 years...!!! Ah! I was so excited to meet them all... had so much to talk about... to enquire... to know.. to react to... to laugh... to cherish! I had carried an old school-time photo album n turning the pages took us 4 years down the lane. I felt like the small little school girl n no more like a would b lecturer...!! No wonder ppl say school days were the best. I never agreed to it before coz I always felt its 'fun to grow up'. But now I realise, its more fun to be growing up... fun is in the process n not in the destination!

We were playing 'truth-or-dare' sitting there in the coffee house... a closed packed group of 9 old friends... I knew am never gonna forget this moment! Truth-or-dare isn't a new game for me, had played it so many times in college n ever proud of the fact that I have absolutely No so damn embarrassing secrets that I would find difficult to let out. So I always felt its very safe for me to go for the 'truth' option. But here, guess my over-confidence gave me away. When the empty mineral water bottle stopped pointing out to me, I was away on phone. When I came back, I was informed that everyone is waiting for me coz am the next victim. No I wasnt nervous. I knew my chance gonna come... n I knew that its a well known fact that my life is not really very 'happening' n full of deadful secrets, so very confidently I said "Ask anything!".

Err... can I sumhow turn the clock back n edit that dialogue?? I wish I could.. but anyways... at that time I thought that I will be asked sum stupid question. Though I categorized the 'unknown' question as 'stupid', I didnt really had any clues of what the question could b. It was then when I was asked "name ur first crush". Gulp... Gulp... I knew that very instant, I cant answer. I was silent for sumtime... thinking of a way to handle the situation. "No haste.. No haste.." this was repeating in my head like that "om mangalam mangalam" mantra in the movie Kambaqth Ishq. I didnt wanted to show whats on my head... Yeah I know they r friends, friends have the rights to know secrets... but not this... anything but not this! I knew all the signs of nervousness people show, I made sure I did nothing of that sort. I didnt rub my hands, didnt wipe off the sweat rolling down the forehead, didnt pretend to have gotten an important call, didnt shake my legs, didnt changed the sitting posture, didnt react at all. Rather I looked around to find 8*2=16 eyes starring at me without blinking! I froze!

A tug-off-war between head n heart soon began inside me. I wanted to ask myself a few questions n get a few answers but then the constant glare was making me nervous. I knew am losing it. I said "I can't" but that doesn't convince anyone. They said "Shruti u r being a spoiled sport" Yeah I agree...!!! I agree am acting nutty.. I agree am making an issue of it... I agree am a coward... I agree am dramatizing... I agree! I agree! I agree! Anything else? can we please get to sum other topic now..!! But they doesn't seem to listen. It was Sneha who said "leave her, else she will start crying"... for once, I really felt like getting up n giving her a 'tight hug' for that. I offered to make sum other confessions but they were not interested in any 'other' thing. I used to think that am the only stubborn creature in the universe, but I was facing many like me there. I told to myself "So what if they r stubborn, u were the topper of ur class, u will top on stubbornness too".

There was another helping hand cuming forward asking me to name any one randomly... I tried searching for a random name... switched on the computer in my head, opened 'Google search'... typed the key word 'crush'.... searching... searching... searching... ah! Just one name... a name which I cant say... I felt disgusting! 20 year old n just one name! dah! I gave up. I said, I can't say n thats it. Soon the bottle spinned again n I sighed a relief!

Back home, the thought kept nagging me. I didnt quite get y I couldnt name. I mean, am I doing a crime to be hiding it from everyone.

Q) When is it that people hide things?
A) When they know that they r wrong.

Am not cheating! Am not doing anything wrong. God damn! Am a human being. I have a heart!!!! So what if it got attracted to sumone. What is there to feel so awkward about it. Just coz my image is that of a 'nerdy nerd' who just sticks to books all the time, doesnt mean that I cant have anything else in life. Just coz I love studying doesnt mean I cant do anything else. I have a life. I have a heart. I always felt, if I cant respect my own feeling then No one in this world can. I do respect my feelings a lot. I know for sure am not wrong. Whatever is happening, or so as to say has happened, has a reason. I dont know where all this will lead me to... I dont know if the day will ever come when I will be able to answer that question. All I know is whatever will happen, will happen for my own good coz one thing I can confess very confidently n that is, am a good girl who didnt ever do anything bad to anyone. So am sure that nothing BAD can ever happen to me! Ever!

Eventful !

It was an usual day today… I had class in the morn, came back home n went for a walk… came back at 7. Bro demanded alu ka paratha for dinner so I was set to the kitchen making the dinner… dad as usual watching news n working with sum official papers n mom was making bro study… nothing unusual… after finishing off with dinner prep, I logged on gtalk, n was reading the e-book I got “The Secret” dead-line for finishing with that being the week-end but I thought I would rather conveniently finish it off today itself. But I was wrong!

After serving the dinner to the family n after getting enough appreciation for the food, I went to the kitchen to clean up, happily listening to “I’ll b thr for u” n singing along… when I heard Mom’s shriek… one of the worst one I have ever heard… I rushed to the room n found dad lying there on the floor near the wash-basin. The little lump of Grey matter in my head, (that I was ever so proud to address as super-fast n smart) suddenly seemed like a lump of clay. It wasn’t working… I wasn’t working… I was frozen. Didn’t quite understand anything. For a second, life seemed to have met a full-stop.

All I could see was my super-hero, my guardian, my saver, my guide, my support… my dad… there lying on the floor… helpless, motionless… n my mom there trying to shake him up. Sumthing from inside shouted, “help mom, u idiot!!!!!! Don’t just give away”. I rushed to get water, sprinkled on dad… he didn’t move. I opened the back door, shouted “Aunty! Uncle! Ayu!”. In a jiffy, my whole locality seemed to have moved on to my house. There was everyone… all the neighbors. Some rubbed dad’s hands, some his legs… some moved back to giv in air… I was acting dumb n so was my bro who didn’t move out of his room n didn’t even bother to lower the volume of the video of “coast-to-coast” that he was watching for the 500^th time! But then after sumtime, he too got sum courage n stood by dad’s side.

N suddenly, dad opened his eyes. Cant express in words as to how I felt. Slowly dad seemed to get back to his senses. I was just standing there… as a spectator viewing the whole episode… nothing to say… nothing to do… nothing to react to, but to wait, to pray, to hope! My neighbors were damn helpful, it was them who made dad sit on chair n all I did was to rush to get sum water to drink. They were asking dad questions like “do u recognize where u r?” n “wat u had for dinner?” n stuff… I felt like shouting, “oh! Pls! don’t dramatize… he just fainted for sum god damn reason, he is not suffering from amnesia” but then I felt it will be rude to speak when elders r dealing the matter. Soon it was decided that we will be going to hospital after an hour, an hour for dad to get back to his cool. He was quite shaken by the incident.

People offered for help to take dad to the hospital but my mom rejected. She said “my daughter can drive, she will take us”. I standing there was partly proud n partly nervous. Well hospitals rnt really my favorite place n I bet even doctors wont call it their favorite place but then ‘hospital n me’???!!! I know n mom knows how much fuss I make when I need to go to hospitals but then she announced it so proudly that I didn’t wanted to act fussy. It was 10:15 at night when dad seemed quite stable n mom declared we are leaving for hospital. She asked me to look around all her secret reservoirs to find out how much liquid cash is available in case we need to get sum scans n stuff done. I offered the 1000 bucks I saved last month, n for the first time in the whole episode, mom smiled! Well I don’t really leak out how much I saved… n I knew 1000 wont contribute much but then I was happy that I HAD sumthing to offer.

After the cash arrangement, we moved out. For the first time, dad didn’t say a word n went n sat next to the driver’s seat. Before driving when I removed my slippers (an usual act) dad didn’t shout at me saying “when will u learn to drive with slippers on”… I was going right n giving left indicator but dad didn’t shout at me. He didn’t even give me those dreadful looks when I was composing tunes with car horn. Neither did he ask me to lower the gears before the turns. He didn’t say a word. I was feeling very uncomfortable. Am certainly not used to dad’s silence while am driving. He used to make me feel like am the worst driver in the universe n today he is not speaking a word! Dad was un usually quite, so was my bro… n mom… n me… it was like a ‘getting back life’ moment… we were all too exhausted to speak. But the best part was, I COULD drive… I realized am not really as weak as I think I am. I didn’t shed one tear! I seriously didn’t realize that but as I was driving, recollecting al that happened, I told myself “girl! U almost lost ur dad n u were not crying!” sumthing from inside told me “yeah! Coz I knew quite well that nothing wrong gonna happen”.

When we reached the hospital n showed to doctor, he gave an injection n said it doesn’t seem too serious. He said dad must have fainted coz of over-work n tiredness… BP was normal n we sighed a relief! But still he asked to show up in the morn to a specialist n we nodded. It was almost 11 when we reached back home. After making dad lay comfortably in bed, I came here to write down. Though standing outside the hospital, I felt like calling up sumone to speak to but then I kinda feel more comfortable in writing things rather than speaking out. I decided I better blog so I started off to write as soon as I came back. But as I was writing, phone rang. I picked up n a guy from the hospital was on the other side n he informed that dad had left his purse in the room where he took the injection. There was more than 20,000 in his purse n all his id card, ATM cards, driving license, everything!

I left the computer in ‘stand by mode’ n rushed to wake up mom n we both locked the door n rushed back to the hospital. Mom constantly cursing herself for the carelessness n I constantly telling her to stop doing that. We reached the hospital n the guy who called was standing at the door with dad’s purse. We thanked him whole heartedly n took his number. Maybe dad can give him a call later n invite him over for lunch. Its hard to find such good people in this world. When I was cuming back, my mom took a deep breath n said “what an eventful day… err… night!!”. I gave a short smile n shared a joke with mom…

"Daughter – Mom! I got a guy just like dad.

Mother – what do u want from me? Sympathy???"

We both had a heart-felt laugh n enjoyed the night drive… sumthing I always wished for… but never knew it will come to action in this manner… anyways, dad is sleeping peacefully now n its getting quite late now so I too will be off. End of an eventful night!

Over thinking??

I recently noticed mine getting more n more philosophical these days… a new passion of decoding the essence of life has taken up on me from sumwhere… am constantly asking myself questions on ‘life’ n distributing free advises to all those interested/not-interested… am kinda getting lost amidst studies… of course the blame completely goes to my brain affected by the ‘over thinking syndrome’.

It so happened that a few days back in my coaching class, Sir gave a mathematics question which asked us to prove a ‘certain expression’ as wrong. No big deal, it was a easy question but then sumone from back murmured, “its so easy to prove sumthing is wrong but so tough to prove sumthing is right”. I just couldn’t come out of that thought. Talking of mathematical questions, proving an expression as right or wrong are like ‘pet’ questions. When asked to prove a question is wrong, there r so many ways of doing it but then to prove a question is right, there exist only one fixed method.

When I applied the same philosophy to Life, I was amazed to notice the analogy. It happened so many times with me. I tend to get too critical on people n can go on proving everyone wrong. Maybe one reason y I hardly get impressed by anyone. I don’t do it purposely but then I don’t know y I notice all the negative points first. Whenever I meet anyone, by default my eyes will notice if the shoes r polished, if nails r clean, if dress is pressed… at-times I need to remind myself that am not a school principal but a normal college going student!

Every second new person I meet will come under the category of “not my type” for me. Am not a big time socialite but then yeah I don’t leave my people so easily. Its “Once a friend, always a friend” for me but then only a few who cross all the filtration process get the label of ‘friend’. I can do anything for my friends. Anytime! Anywhere! Call me n I’ll b there… that’s what I always say n do. But then even friends get irritated of my getting into small small details n doing their critical analysis. Well of course there do exist a category of people around me who think am too rude n harsh n insensitive when I tell them on their face bluntly that I don’t approve their acts. So easy to disapprove!!

We meet so many people everyday sumwhere or the other, y is it that not everyone is our friend? I mean no one in this world is ever ‘Bad’ so as to say… but then if everyone is good, what is stopping them from entering the friend list? Am I the only one in this world facing this thing? Certainly not! Am sure everyone faces this… sometimes we know for sure that the other person will turn out to be very good friend of ours but still sumthing inhibits. I have disapproved so may like that… to quote an example, I would say Neha, the first day I met her in my under grad college, I completely disapproved her but then as time passed n her goodyness n strong personality surfaced, I realized how wrongly I judged her. Probably impulsive decisions can be a cause of not ‘everybody’ being our friend… but yeah all relationships demand ‘time’ n the more u give that, the more strongly the relationship bonds. Perhaps this is the secret behind ‘arranged marriages’… two complete strangers spending life together… uff!! Not ‘this’ topic again !

Judging others… how much is this act justified? Who are we to say if a person is right or wrong… who r we to say if we ourself do right things or wrong things… but then what decides? A mathematical expression can be easily solved n verified for being right or wrong but what about the ‘acts’ we perform in our life? Who is gonna judge that?? For me, what ever I do, is right! I can give 1000000 justifications for my act… millions n trillions of reasons… stupid idiotic senseless arguments… I can go on n on… but I don’t give an ear to others when they do the same for their acts. Stubbornness? Maybe… proudy… attitude problem… call whatever… that is what I am n am right ;)

In Physics, we have this thing called the ‘special theory of relativity’ given by my ever-green crush Mr. Einstein… according to which if an ‘observer’ is sitting on a tree n watching a train moving with uniform velocity, then for that observer the train is moving, but if that very observer is sitting inside that train, then for him the tree is moving. (If u don’t know physics, read d above lines again to understand!) Now neither of the observers is wrong. Its just their ‘frame of reference’ is different. When the observer sitting on the tree says the train is moving n the observer sitting in the train says that the tree is moving, neither is wrong n this fact is right! Same is the scenario in all the arguments n discussions that we do. Sumtimes what seems wrong to us will seems right if we consider the situation from other frame of reference. As a matter of fact, all that is categorized as ‘wrong’ in life can be made ‘right’ if we just change our perception! Ah! so easy to write n say… but d applications part is so tough!!

Beat D Heat !

The following is my Entry for the contest in Bloggeratti (Orkut community) given the topic "Summer-heat"

With still 24 hrs left for the dead-line, I didn't want to make a last minute entry. I wasn't planning to participate coz sumhow I wasn't managing to get enough time for the thought process but then my mom says 'Participating is half victory'. N i didnt want to lose without participating, so here goes my scribbling....


A summary of the "cool" "cool" things I do in summers, a few reasons y I love summers!!

Lying on momma’s lap,

Eating curd-rice from her hands

Waking up dad, 1 at night,

Demanding for ice-cream.

Pouring ice-water on bro,

To giggle seeing him crying

Wishing he would do the same,

Unfortunately he is too lame.

Standing below the shower,

Playing splash-splash with little drops

Till mom warns to break the door,

If I don’t rush out.

Mango shake, the best breakfast

Dad gets dozens for me!

Lemon and orange juices

Works wonder to beat the heat.

Rushing outta house in the morn,

As usual forgetting the sun-screen

Pledging not to repeat the mistake again,

But then the same routine.

Going zip zap zoom in car

Adoring, admiring n praising Delhi roads

Loud music and full on speed

Overtaking the bikers are thrill indeed!

Talking to the dear pink lilly,

In the name of gardening.

Watering n taking its care,

Loving to see it smile at me!

Struggling to cut the water-mellon

With a small little knife.

Amazed to see it getting disappeared,

But I kept it pending for tmrw night!

Going to garden for evening walks,

In loose tees n tracks

Noticing the number n kinda guys following

Ofcourse without their knowing.

Passing sarcastic smile,

On the stupidities that people do

Wearing goggles while driving cars

To guys in pink t-shirts posing to be cool!

Sleeping with AC on

Winters were never so cool

With the Prince Charming walking hand in hand,
In the cool cool heavenly dreamland ;)

P.S. @ other Contestants , am very sorry I didn't go through any of the entries but I had my own reasons:

1. I didn't want any influential shadows in my work
2. I seriously didn't get time!!

But I promise to peep in all those entries b4 results r out :)