First crush?

Ahem! Ahem! Give me a min... let me stop blushing first..!!!

Okk.. so for all those wondering 'wat the hell' am doing with this topic amidst studies n other pile of 'most important' list of work I got, well.... am just closing down a very special chapter of my life. I didnt title it 'confession' coz am not gonna do that... but in a way it wont b too wrong to title this as one.

The root cause for surfacing of this topic on my page again after quite a long time, was a school get-together I had last weekend. It was one of the biggest get-together we ever had after school days... we were 9 of us meeting up after 4 years...!!! Ah! I was so excited to meet them all... had so much to talk about... to enquire... to know.. to react to... to laugh... to cherish! I had carried an old school-time photo album n turning the pages took us 4 years down the lane. I felt like the small little school girl n no more like a would b lecturer...!! No wonder ppl say school days were the best. I never agreed to it before coz I always felt its 'fun to grow up'. But now I realise, its more fun to be growing up... fun is in the process n not in the destination!

We were playing 'truth-or-dare' sitting there in the coffee house... a closed packed group of 9 old friends... I knew am never gonna forget this moment! Truth-or-dare isn't a new game for me, had played it so many times in college n ever proud of the fact that I have absolutely No so damn embarrassing secrets that I would find difficult to let out. So I always felt its very safe for me to go for the 'truth' option. But here, guess my over-confidence gave me away. When the empty mineral water bottle stopped pointing out to me, I was away on phone. When I came back, I was informed that everyone is waiting for me coz am the next victim. No I wasnt nervous. I knew my chance gonna come... n I knew that its a well known fact that my life is not really very 'happening' n full of deadful secrets, so very confidently I said "Ask anything!".

Err... can I sumhow turn the clock back n edit that dialogue?? I wish I could.. but anyways... at that time I thought that I will be asked sum stupid question. Though I categorized the 'unknown' question as 'stupid', I didnt really had any clues of what the question could b. It was then when I was asked "name ur first crush". Gulp... Gulp... I knew that very instant, I cant answer. I was silent for sumtime... thinking of a way to handle the situation. "No haste.. No haste.." this was repeating in my head like that "om mangalam mangalam" mantra in the movie Kambaqth Ishq. I didnt wanted to show whats on my head... Yeah I know they r friends, friends have the rights to know secrets... but not this... anything but not this! I knew all the signs of nervousness people show, I made sure I did nothing of that sort. I didnt rub my hands, didnt wipe off the sweat rolling down the forehead, didnt pretend to have gotten an important call, didnt shake my legs, didnt changed the sitting posture, didnt react at all. Rather I looked around to find 8*2=16 eyes starring at me without blinking! I froze!

A tug-off-war between head n heart soon began inside me. I wanted to ask myself a few questions n get a few answers but then the constant glare was making me nervous. I knew am losing it. I said "I can't" but that doesn't convince anyone. They said "Shruti u r being a spoiled sport" Yeah I agree...!!! I agree am acting nutty.. I agree am making an issue of it... I agree am a coward... I agree am dramatizing... I agree! I agree! I agree! Anything else? can we please get to sum other topic now..!! But they doesn't seem to listen. It was Sneha who said "leave her, else she will start crying"... for once, I really felt like getting up n giving her a 'tight hug' for that. I offered to make sum other confessions but they were not interested in any 'other' thing. I used to think that am the only stubborn creature in the universe, but I was facing many like me there. I told to myself "So what if they r stubborn, u were the topper of ur class, u will top on stubbornness too".

There was another helping hand cuming forward asking me to name any one randomly... I tried searching for a random name... switched on the computer in my head, opened 'Google search'... typed the key word 'crush'.... searching... searching... searching... ah! Just one name... a name which I cant say... I felt disgusting! 20 year old n just one name! dah! I gave up. I said, I can't say n thats it. Soon the bottle spinned again n I sighed a relief!

Back home, the thought kept nagging me. I didnt quite get y I couldnt name. I mean, am I doing a crime to be hiding it from everyone.

Q) When is it that people hide things?
A) When they know that they r wrong.

Am not cheating! Am not doing anything wrong. God damn! Am a human being. I have a heart!!!! So what if it got attracted to sumone. What is there to feel so awkward about it. Just coz my image is that of a 'nerdy nerd' who just sticks to books all the time, doesnt mean that I cant have anything else in life. Just coz I love studying doesnt mean I cant do anything else. I have a life. I have a heart. I always felt, if I cant respect my own feeling then No one in this world can. I do respect my feelings a lot. I know for sure am not wrong. Whatever is happening, or so as to say has happened, has a reason. I dont know where all this will lead me to... I dont know if the day will ever come when I will be able to answer that question. All I know is whatever will happen, will happen for my own good coz one thing I can confess very confidently n that is, am a good girl who didnt ever do anything bad to anyone. So am sure that nothing BAD can ever happen to me! Ever!