What to Pray???

I just came back from a very sudden ‘hushy n rushy’ trip to Chennai… this trip was not one of the usual trip down south with 10-15 temples to visit to, with 10-15 suits to get stitched (tailor’s r damn cheap there down south!), with 10-15 friends to meet n a big shopping list… this trip was altogether different. Rather it wasn’t a trip, but a visit.

Last Sunday after a talk with my grandma (Paati as I call her) over the phone, I realized that she is seriously not well. Yeah she was admitted in hospital twice in the last 3 months but still dad never said its something serious. But this time it was. They sent her back home n she wasn’t well. Now what do that mean? Have they given all the hopes? U see mid-sem is definitely not ‘the best’ time to travel to Chennai and I didn’t really knew whether we should go or not. I mean my dad’s brother (taayaji or periappa as I call him) said she is fine and there is no pressing emergency in visiting her now. But I told mom that my internal exams will start off after next week and that I seriously cant leave Delhi till May!

Mom felt May is a long way to go and asked me if I can miss college for a week. But I had a new lab on Monday. I said if the new experiment works on Monday, then maybe I can leave. Am kindda obsessed with my labs and never like to keep lab work pending. Theory classes are still fine, I can take notes later. More-over I needed time; all of a sudden I can’t leave for a week! Fortunately the experiment started off well on Monday n I felt at-ease. Dad came home a little late on Monday n rushed to get the tickets for the next day. Dad was overworked and said he will go next week so it was me, mom n Bhai going. When the tickets arrived at 8, we started off with the packing. Took out the summer dresses from the store, u c they were all nicely packed and kept aside.

We had to catch the night 10’o clock train on Tuesday so I went off to college in the morning. I had class till 3:30 which means I will reach home by 5. But I need time to bake a cake for her. Oh she simply loves cake!! But if I tell mom, she will never approve. Cake = sugar + butter = sweet = calorie = not good for her. But I knew this might be the last time am seeing her! I just couldn’t stay in the college after 12. I had to go home and bake the cake before mom arrives. So I left college early, threw away my bag n started off with the cake making process. And it came out well :)

Mom came home at 5 n started off with the food packing for the travel. There was no clue of cake around. When dad was packing the air-bag, I slowly got the cake-box n to my surprise I found my mom with a box of ‘gajar ka halwa’. Well well… I told mom “if u had told me u r gonna make that, I wouldn’t have missed my classes!!!” n to that she said “I thought u will not allow”. I smiled ‘like daughter – like mother’.

We reached Chennai-central on Thursday morning. Train was late by 2 hrs. We went to the nearby park station n caught the local train to St. Thomas Mount from where my Periappa picked us up. I was the first one to enter the house and there she was smiling and looking as Perfect as ever. She didn’t seem to have had any problem at all. In her usual form she asked how our journey was, what we had on the way, howz studies going, howz the climate in Delhi… all her usual queries. But hold on! Wasn’t it me who should be enquiring about her? Well I didn’t really have the guts. I was happy to c her cheerful sitting in front of me. I don’t wanna know what happened to her or even how she is feeling. When I got out the cake-box she was so happy!! Yeah she was happy with the ‘gajar ka halwa’ too but I think she was happier coz of the cake.

After lunch when I was talking to Periappa, he explained that Paati got 3 blocks in her heart. And Angioplasty isn’t a good option as doctor feels she won’t be able to take it n might collapse in the operation theater. I some-how was feeling very uneasy when this talk was going. I somehow didn’t want to get the details. Its not that I don’t understand these technical terms, I have been a bio student till 12^th so I could have understood if I wanted, but it’s just that I didn’t want. I went back to my Paati who was peacefully sleeping that time. Good for her.

That night I made the dinner. Dum-alu and parantha. She always loves north Indian food and this dish was from the Northest part, Kashmir. She said oil n spicy food both r banned for her. I said I can chuck one thing, either oil or spices n she settled with the later. Well she did get slight fever that night but she didn’t complain. Next day she insisted on us going out somewhere. But we wanted to spend time with her!! She was feeling bad that we have come al the way to Chennai and didn’t do any of our usual things so she called a taxi and sent us off to beach. My favvvvvvvvvvv place!! She knew what beach visits mean to me and am glad she sent us. Yeah it did subtract the 4 hrs we could have spent with her but still we enjoyed. Sitting in the beach I was wondering if I will get to visit it again. U c, my Paati is the last connection I have with Chennai. And if something happens to her, my last connection with my so called native place is gone. Am not very fascinated with that ‘early city’ as I call it, but then I will surly miss my roots n of course this beach!!!

We had to catch next day train at 6 n Periappa gave us the deadline 4:30 to leave the house. Mom got up at 2:30 to make n pack food. I got up at 3:00 n believe me, it was for the first time I really hoped we miss the train! We were done with the packing by 4:00 but as per his deadline my Periappa got ready at 4:30. That 30 min I n Bhai were sitting next to Paati. There was so much to speak but we both remained quite. We asked her to come to Delhi with us. She is not allowed to travel now but before also she didn’t come coz she don’t want to leave that place. We understood how much she is attached to south. I tried my best to hold my tears. My Paati was sitting holding our hands. She is not a very senti lady n knows how to control her emotions. I tried learning from her. When it was time for us to leave, mom asked us to do the usual ‘namaskaram’ (Touch her feet). When I did, she said “Nalla padichu, narriya marks waange, Happyaa iru” (Study well, Get lots of marks and be happy). Yeah she knows what will make me happy. She put ‘vibuthi’ in our forehead and we left.

On the way to the station, I just couldn’t stop myself and started crying. I guess there is something seriously wrong with my eye-muscle. I guess they r weak and that’s y I can never hold my tears. I will get them checked soon. I hid my face, pretending to be looking out of the window. While I was trying to control myself I came across this church “New-Life Church”… another turn and there was another church on which it was written “Jesus …. (something) Hope” it was then when I realized that I didn’t pray anything for my Paati. It is something unusual of me. I always have a list of things to pray for. I realized there is no point asking for a long life for her, coz it’s sad to see her suffering each day. But then I can’t either pray for her to recover soon coz there isn’t one disease for her to recover from. Obviously she can’t get back to her 70’s. She is 80+! I don’t know what to pray for! I just wish she lives a happy life if not more. I don’t know what more I can do for her or to pray for her. I know she will leave me and go and when ever that day comes, its gonna be terrible. Whenever….!!

This month has been the worst month for me in my 20 years of life. I have never undergone so much emotional torture all these years. I just hope to see a lighter side of life in coming time after all I got my exams next month!!!