Dip in the Deep

Its not a perfect world... the one we live in. The idealistic rules simply doesn't apply here... as my new friend Ram, who by the way is a hockey player, told me the other day, "u gotta fight for survival".

I was merely floating with the tides... ups and downs were a part of it when suddenly I felt sinking... down down... I couldn't breath.. it was so heavy.. I felt it pulling me down with all its strength... I hit the bottom. I froze. I opened my eyes and found myself stuck, unable to move.. unable to breath. I thought its the end... I closed my eyes again... murmured my mothers name and asked god to forgive me for all the times when I didn't listen. I could feel the little bubbles of breath escaping from me... taking with them all my hope and strength. I felt weak.. I felt dead. Suddenly a soft voice whispered asking me to give one last try... I decided to do that. I opened my eyes, generated some energy from somewhere... gave a good push and aaaaaaaah!! Yes the sweet air hit me.. I was up on top of this water body that tried to kill me... I saw trees smiling at me.. birds chirping to welcome me back to life.

Some lessons are learnt the hard way... there is no other way out. Good experiences becomes memories and bad once teach lessons. I saved my life and am reborn a better person. I opened my eyes to a new perspective of the Darwin world where there is chaos and uncertainly... rules doesn't work here... its unpredictable, mysterious and the fittest one survives. I decided to make myself strong to survive. Am not gonna reveal the secret of the new found strength but I lost the fear of taking dips in the deep water now... I know I can stand the tides... Common life, its u or me out there. Am not gonna be defeated so easily... its gotta be the right way... its gotta be my way!

Last few months I faced a hell lot of resistance from life.. things just weren't working out. Everything I did.. was wrong. Everything I wished.. was rejected. Everyone I loved.. was hurt. I had no where to go... nothing to look upto... wasn't alone but still felt so lonely. Things just started getting so messed up that I couldn't even start to untangle. I gave up and was building my strength to fight back. I was waiting for the high tide to passby so that I can swim back again... persistence... patience and faith were keeping me up. It was the possibility that kept me going, not the guarantee. What I learnt from this bad terrible phase of my life is...

> Never ever taken anyone for granted.
> The more close u r to someone, the more are the chances of getting hurt from them.
> If they dont wanna listen, they wont listen. Dont waste your time explaining.
> If they wanna go, just let them go. Dont beg them to stay.. its just emotional torture for them then.
> Wait for the right time and never never give up the hope.
> Life isnt a fairy tale but then sometimes dreams do come true.
> The stronger is the bond, the easier it is to break Ego.
> Lie has various flavors, its ok to try it sometimes.
> Relationship dies when communication stops.
> Be true to urself and accept urself.
> One day.. someday... all good things will happen to good people.
> All stories have a The End... earlier the better

Its a Lovestory...

*deep breath*... hmph! I dont know if I will be able to write about what I want to write but I know for sure that I wont be able to write unless I start somewhere. So here it goes... like they say 'boys will be boys', I think more or less even 'girls too will be girls' only. Strong or weak... bold or cowardly... self made or dependent... watever the case maybe with these girls... they all fall for romantic fantasy stories. Dah! Inside every lady is a dreamy little girl who waits for prince charming to rush into her life riding a white horse and sweep her off her feet. I never accepted am one of them. 

All this while when people around me fall in and out of love... talk about their love stories... I would just sympathize with them coz I could just see the pain they are putting them-self through. I ran behind a lot of prince charming myself... aah... wat fun it was. Things never got serious enough to break me down coz I actually never believed in it. I never understood what Vardini meant when she said "JP is my life". I never realized why Susmita is taking such a big risk by "starting from the scratch". I couldn't see what is it that Marsha feels so secured about. I used to consider them all crazy for running behind something that doesn't exist... for believing in something that will ruin them one day... 

But the magic happened to me... now I can see how someone can take the priority over life, how much strength this feeling gives for people to break the tall barriers... how rosy and cool life suddenly becomes and how much happiness this special feeling brings with it. It takes a lot of strength... patience... faith... respect... understanding... care... very heavy words I agree. Am still not there but I  now appreciate people going through all this. They no more look like crazy losers to me, they are the winners who willingly put them-self in pain for the respect and faith they have on 'Love'.

This post is dedicated to Vardini who is my new love guru. I have known about her "boyfriend" for a real long time now.... I have seen her getting upset over little arguments... getting sad over big fights with him... I have seen her calling off and giving up... I used to feel sad for her, thinking why she is putting herself through so much torture managing a long distance relationship. Even when he came to meet her, I didn't acknowledge the smile she had the whole day but I noticed the tears she shed when he left. Somehow I couldn't justify the pain... torture... complication... irritation... blah blah all such negative feelings... but technically love is supposed to be a blessing right? Why does a blessing come with pain? Where is happiness amidst all these tears? Where is peace when there is so much fight going on? 

Never asked her all this but the progress of events gave me my answers. I saw her today looking like a glowing beautiful full moon. Her happiness I could feel in the hug she gave me. Her narration of the events was getting paused frequently coz of the smile she just couldn't hold. The flying angel today got big wings for herself and I know the reason behind this strength. She tempts me to believe in the goodness of love. She made it happen... rather they both made it happen and am just so so happy for the lovely couple. All I wish from the bottom of my heart is for them to stay like this forever... may they keep finding pleasure in pain, smile in tears, friendship in fights.... and last but not the least, home in each other's heart. God Bless them! Touchwood.

gotta grow up fast!

There I go... yep again messed up! Its only days like these now-a-days that I get to hit sum alphabets on this page. I miss this stuff but more than anything I miss the virtue of patience and calming myself down before reacting so fast n stupidly. As always, once again I have ended up hurting people I considered myself closest to... why why on earth do I keep messing up my easy-go-lucky kinda life.

It was almost more than a fortnight since I had "talked" to my mom and she compensated it yesterday by not letting me hang up on her for almost 3 hours. Yep, I actually had to keep her on hold to recharge my mobile. She is probably right, education has not taught me anything. My mental level and my maturity in tackling with problems is still in the same level as it was when I passed out from school. Though at that time she used to consider me over-mature for my age but guess the growth stopped there.  

I have always got this very strong urge to please people and being a cause of others happiness has always filled me up with beaming joy. But then somehow when my head spins, the volcano erupts and the lava always falls on the people staying closest. And by the way, my head always always spins when the word "Change" is forced upon me. There are a certain ways things should go... it gotta be the right way... it gotta be my way. Ya am not made up of rubber spine but then who is? Maybe I am flexible in a non obvious way... I do bend, it just takes a little more time than usual.

Apology doesn't come easy to me. It takes me time to realize my mistake... it takes much longer to accept the realization and it takes me more than a decade to actually act on it. Ya quite towards the egoist side, I agree... and am not liking this particular blog of mine.... somehow its not painting a very good picture of me but trust me, other than these little shortfalls, am very close to being a perfect friend and a perfect person. I like myself anyways and if I do change, maybe I will lose my personal charm.

Anyways apology virgin as I am, I wasnt sure how to apologize, I messed up guys! Big time! I cant ever take my words back but then all I wanna say is I lost it. Dont make me much more of a loser than I am. I love u more than I can ever express and I miss not having you guys around me. I completely understand if u dont wanna talk to me or spend time with me.... but I just wanna you to know that am really truly SORRY.....

Shit happens!

Am tired of making mistakes... the impulsiveness which have been the root cause of all the possible problems I have been facing till date, is probably never gonna leave me peacefully. Am frustrated today and trying to correct myself.... yeah.... there is always a first time. I decided to try n accept the wat-so-ever little but still existing flaws in me. The little amplifier in me that causes all the over emotional melodramatic scenes in my head need to be fixed now, high time!

Its been a bad year for me as far as my 'precious' stuffs goes... the beginning of the year I lost the gold chain my grandma gave me that I was so fond of.... then I had an accident and damaged the gold ring that I bought after fascinating about it for so long. And as far as the recent happening goes, I lost my camera which my brother got me for Rakhi just last year...!! Well... 'stuffs' do get replaced but that feeling of losing something so precious... ahhh!! it hurts so badly.

Its not always the 'stuffs' but the emotions attached with it.... as far as the chain n camera goes it was still ok but am feeling low today coz I get a feeling that I have 'lost' something that cant really be replaced. I have lost a friend... who was a precious gem in my possession and on whom I was so proud of. Yeah the old theory of "We are still f.r.i.e.n.d.s is still going on" but then who am I kidding? it somehow never works.... Worst part of this big loss is that the concern person wont even realize whom am talking about... sigh... wat do i say now?

 Never in the wildest of my dreams had I imagined that I will ever be needing to search for a replacement of that person, it was meant to be 'Forever' in my head. I still donno where I went wrong... did I over react? I could have. wasn't I clear enough? Probably.... it happens when sumone is over excited. Did I rush things up? ya mayb... could have waited a little longer. I dont know... I dont wanna know... if things had worked out the way I had imagined, then probably today I wouldnt have been thinking all this. I and so so many people associated with my life would have been so happy for me.  Oh god! Y did I have to open my mouth? Y did I have to say stuffs... that created so much distance that I cant even begin to bridge the gap. 

Its too late now... I dont wanna but I have to give up coz I find myself stuck in that one place. Gotta move... gotta explore... gotta gain new height. Enough is enough. I had enough of this old story... gotta move on. It wont happen till I cut the last thread and am doing it now. Am gonna take a real good care of all my 'Precious' stuffs and am gonna just let go of them if they wanna go....

Weirdness Unlimited :-O

The journey of life takes us through various paths and the best part of this trip is the opportunity to get to meet and know a variety of people. Of-course, we just click off with a few of them and it just feels right. I have met this character, who defines the word 'weird' for me. A sweet cute "little" Bong girl who just happens to end up doing the 'most simple' thing in the weirdest possible way. The moment she starts off narrating her real life stories, I start preparing myself to end up with a stomachache and watery eyes thanks to the uncontrollable laughter!

This extraterrestrial being is mostly found in places where the human population is scarce. Usually absentminded and unaware of the surroundings, this creature is always seen searching for something on surface of the earth. The usual protocol of smiling at familiar faces is very conveniently ignored under the excuse of "not being able to see" the earthly inhabitants. Eating habits include chewing on cooked animals and vegetables, birds being the preference. Heavy mood swings are not very uncommon and is marked by pretending to be starving and pushing oneself through the "silent phase" where talking is forbidden. The characteristic feature that makes this species vulnerable to constant mockery and challenges its survival in large social groups is 'poor memory'.

It will take a lot of time to narrate the uncountable hilarious incidences that has happened with her so far... but truly she is a blessing for all those who finds it difficult to "change their frown upside down". As her lab-mate Malli once said "bas iski shakal dekhne se hi hasi aajate hai", I doubt if someone will ever disagree to that! Those big innocent eyes always manage to create a soft-corner in the listener's heart and she ends up taking people her way. Her senior Soumitra sure deserves a Nobel prize for keeping "Peace" with her. For Rupesh and Wareed probably she is the best toy their PI could have given for them to play with. All they have to do is key-up and the show begins. For all those who find her engrossed in searching for interesting documentaries, the fact is she is looking for information about her planet. I wish one day Adwait and Anirban are able find out what she is searching for!

On a serious note when she gets to giving serious advices, after a few giggles even I tend to listen. In totality she is a nice combination of... a fun mate, a naughty kid, a bright student, a brilliant artist and a very caring friend (kyun Preeti, wat say?) Be the same Chandu, u urself dont know what a great entertainment package u r. The time that we spend together, is all worth it... its just memories in the making. After all "tumhi din chade, tumhi din dhale.... tumhi ho bandhu, sakha tumhi !!" :D

It's all about Attitude

I don't understand that if I don't understand myself, how am I ever gonna understand others and make them understand me. No points for guessing that a rush of thoughts is taking up all the space on my head and am frustrated. Though God never gives me a shortage of things to complain and whine about, still every new thing deserves its share of attention, in case it feels ignored!

Am having my share of fun and life is going 'fine' otherwise, but for the few jitters. The usual bad communication and misunderstanding have surfaced yet another time. I thought I left those petty things back in college when I post-graduated but guess, growing up phase is still ON. I don't get the funda of all these 'emotion' kinda stuff. They say its just hormones or yet worst, just a few chemical bonds that plays around with the chemistry of life. Ah! how lame I feel. 

Just imagine the size of the universe having million million of creatures and out of the lot, am perhaps just a teeny-tiny spec and whose existence matters to a teeny-tiny little set of people. Still when these damn emotions brings me down, it feels like this whole mighty universe is worthless and its just all about those chemicals that manipulated. Ah! The feeling of being sad... its the worst one ever. Its sometimes good to believe in those times that a superpower exist above this empty space who will take care of the whole situation... the more upset I get, the stronger I believe.

Am not a very strict believer of 'God' and neither am I an atheist, rather I don't have a strong opinion about the whole thing. For me, when am upset or scared about something, believing that someone is there to take care of u, gives Courage. When am in my jolly-good mood, I don't care to take time outta my masti moments to bow my head to someone who May/MayNot exist. I choose the easy way out. For me, festivals are more of eating good stuff and meeting people rather than chanting mantras. Am happy with my flexible beliefs.... its fun too. 

The small little mess gang and the 2 hrs per day in mess is genuinely the anti-depression capsule. It works wonders.... !! Ofcourse I feel really lucky to have some precious 'gems' in my life, thanks to the presence of whom, am still dragging on. Its so important to have friends who can tell u that u r wrong in a way that u don't feel bad. I hate it when someone points at my flaws, a fact that I have known like for ever. I know its a terrible attitude, as in everyone makes mistakes, its just that I don't consider myself one of 'them'. Sometimes I take pride of my arrogance and other days I feel terrible about my nature but the golden rule still reads, "My flaws, I know. If you know, kindly don't tell me!" 

As an year passed by....

My fingers seemed to have been rusted and jammed and so have my thoughts... its been a long time since I had taken out time to write. Sometimes it becomes so difficult to actually pull out time from the 'cobweb of daily chaos' and to do things that were the 'essentials'. "Its like saying you don’t have time to stop for gas because you are too busy driving - Robin Sharma". Am not using this as an excuse for not working on a Monday morning... but its just that its okkk to be lazy sometimes, its okkk to wake up a little late and its okkk to slow down a bit.

As I sat in my hostel balcony last night at 2 a.m watching the small kittens there sleeping peacefully with their mother by the side... I recollected the words my mom said when I was leaving home an year ago. She said we humans have this amazing sense of 'adaptation'. Its been a year of hostel life, though I have visited home thrice in this tenure and dad visited me twice, I kinda got used to this life now. I like the way I have adapted in this new atmosphere and I like all the new things and experiences that has come my way.

Saturday night as my friends were moving from Ashwini guest room to their individual rooms, we had a farewell celebration. It was the mark of a year end for us so I thought of getting them a gift just to convey that they are 'special'. Never expected to have ended tear-eyed while giving that off... things got a little senti that time but I was glad that they liked it. We made soup, ordered pizza, got pastry and played music... a slideshow of the memories of the past year along with the movie 'Zindagi na milege doobara' added the spirit of the celebration. As they truly say, Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose.

Today morning Chandu was complaining about not able to sleep in the new room alone and so was Vardhini... isn't it strange how people develop affection and bond so fast. Just a year ago these people were complete strangers and at that time they couldn't sleep coz they missed their initial habitat. When we face changes, we first resist it but then somehow we manage to adapt... but by the time we get used to the new change, another change comes over and demands change! Its just as confusing as it sounds. These people who first seemed so strange and weird (though they are still weird) have become such a vital part of my life now.

I guess this is the best and the worst fact of life... as we grow older we meet new people but then we have to let go of the old ones. Ofcourse in this e-world, staying in touch and recollecting the tiny bits of memory is not a very hard thing to do but still reliving those moments and experiencing those over-whelming emotions is still not possible.

The 'awesome' gang :)

It was an awesome 2 hours I spent with my awesome friends last saturday. To add to the awesomeness was the 'Freska' awesome food.... just in case u didnt notice, am all excited about the 'kung-fu panda-2', so the uncontrolled use of the legendary word 'awesome' may kindly be taken with a pinch of salt. Anyways coming back to the awesome time I had, the reason for the extravagance expenditure (though we dont need any) was the end of the 'course-work era'. It sure did call for the grand celebration, and we arn't fools too ignore such occasions.

Back there after finishing with the usual serious and critical discussions of movies, courses, lab stuff, cloths, crushes, mess, hostel etc. etc. we decided to start counting the best things in IISc that has happened to us so far. Worst things were also a part of the discussion but I dont think its worth putting up here.... for many critical reasons. So coming back to the goody goodies, it was then when I realized that these people with whom am spending this 'awesome' time where I dont miss my home, I dont feel frustrated about work, I dont have stuffs running in my head, I dont need to be something which am not, I could put up my opinion without being judged for that, I could be as ill-mannered and blunt as I can be no-where else in the world.... they are the 'best thing' that has happened to me in IISc.

The kind of life am leading now, was never how I imagined my life in IISc to be. When I left home, I was scared, excited and anxious about the new things am gonna learn... these people made me feel at home but still I never expected this kinda bonding to ever happen. Quoting Preeti's words, "we are like a family now". Maybe that why I dont feel so home-sick anymore. Today they were asking me show some respect to them coz they are elder to me, but trust me, how-so-ever hard I try, I can probably never see them as even a day elder to me. These 'awesome' people are the perfect example of "Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional", U know what they have opted for :)

Stating the legendary tale of the birth of this 'evening group' (which no one calls us as) will get very boring so I will run a quick overview of the whole thing. This blog is essentially for my own records so that I dont miss out on the innumerable 'awesome' moments when I sit to tell the story to my children. 'F.R.I.E.N.D.S' the T.V. series is perhaps the most important part of the origin of this gang. IISc repo should also be acknowledged for the movie collection (though it could have been better). Some of my favourite event/places/occations will be : malleswaram and mantri mall; nite chit chats in gymkhana and main building; tea-board visits; guitar and swimming lessons; ghar aaja pardesi; exhausist; Vardini's hindi; My bengali lessons; looking for orion; doubles cycling; eating out every weekend; discussing MM; going for shopppppppping; uncontrollable laughter in mess; world cup final; the round-round cycling; and many many more which I dont recollect now... and much much more to come... Just a word of thanks to these 'awesome' people for entering my life and making my stay in IISc so 'awesome' and memorable. Words are not the best way to express emotions but they are still better than being silent.

Heard the familiar tune.....

It starts from the eyes... travels all the way down to the dear hearty and affects the top commander. Growing up is certainly a very complicated task to do. I pretended to stop myself, but never really tried sincerely. My initial hesitant 'secret stares' have now change to a 'shameless open eyed look'. I dont care the presence of 100 more people around me, the one face gets all the attention. I laugh at myself but still consider it an achievement.

It started out on the fun side. More than anything else, it was an act that was making me to stick to mess food and was cutting down on the expenses. The few glances were making it possible to gobble up the nothing-to-eat (sometimes literally) food. It gave my brain a new occupation, to find out some details of the concerned subject and to bring out the sleeping 'Nancy Drew' within me. The more I learnt, the more I wanted to. It is now a constant topic of discussion in my group and U bet my friends are getting really pissed off with this topic, essentially because they see no 'future' here.


When I was small, I learnt this proverb "think before u leap". This is one of my ever favourites and these words are litterally embedded in my heart. I think so so damn hard that each time I decide with taking the leap, I will get back to the thinking part and the process goes on. Its hard to tell when am gonna take the leap, or rather, If am ever gonna take a leap.... U c.... am still thinking. Its good to take risks sometimes but then am a little too protective about myself.

No two people can ever be fully compatible and if am to look for someone just like me, I need to end up settling up with my own reflection (which wil be left-handed, unlike me). But when the differences reach the level of language, culture and eating habits, I dont think it will be the best decision to go for it. But sometimes there are no choices. As of now am going with the flow and having my share of fun. It 'feels good' and thats what I feel is important for me now. I got a new reason to stick to this place, to eat the food in the mess and something to look forward to. Let optimism rock and if it doesnt work, there is always a "Better luck next time" ;)

Change is a Rule.

In one of my old posts dated June 8, 2009 Guys vs Gals I remember having expressed a very negative ideology towards the concept of 'marriage' and I wrote and meant the following lines whole heatedly "At-times when I imagine myself away from my house, my family, my world... living out there with some god damn stranger... I feel can there really exist some 'heart-less' creature who will be so damn heartless to take me away??!!". This post and in-particular these lines caught a lot of attention and my dear once constantly tried to change my ideas both online and offline.

I have always considered myself very lucky and blessed to have such a wonderful family for myself. And much to the contrast of what I presumed earlier, I didnt really need any 'heart-less' creature to take me away from my paradise. It was the need of the hour, the hunt for a successful life and my very own hard-work that took me away from my house, my family, my world... for my own good. Am happy now, no doubts there. The self made world of mine with my future shining brightly in front of me like a guiding star, with my present like a fortress under construction and with my past like a steady staircase... couldnt have been more perfect.

Am on a vacation now and it feels good to be home. But its not the same thing like I expected it to be. I kinda feel more like a stranger in my own house and less like a part of it. My study room felt nothing like before and there was no trace of my books, yeah I took them all with me but still I didnt expect all of it to be gone. My cupboard had just my winter coats, mufflers and gloves which I left home considering I wont need them in B'lore. Dad actually had to 'make space' for my cloths. I actually had to ask mom for the location of the spices in the kitchen. Ayu had to adjust her schedule to spend time with me, another shocker for me, coz there were never two separate schedules.

When in hostel, there were times when I used to wake up from deep sleep and find myself alone there. I used to tell myself to calm down and assume that am on a holiday and will be going back home soon. Now the reverse assumption sounds more realistic. I realised it last month that the more I resisted 'change' the more dominating it became. My frequency of calling home greatly reduced in the recent past as rightly pointed by my lab mate, Venkat. My friends noticed me talking less of 'Delhi' and wanting to explore more of 'Bangalore'. Unlike earlier where I used to call my relatives to campus, I have started going out of campus to visit my relatives place by myself. Yes! I have finally learned to face the world 'independently' without any strings attached to it.

Subbu, my very old and very good friend told me that ever since I went to hostel, she has been very seriously following my blogs. She says my writings have improved and I have started writing very short n crisp things. I was just so glad to get to hear these words from her coz trust me, she is one of the most straight-forward person who can be so blunt that she can cut ur throat with her tongue. But its her honest and this straight-forward bindass attitude of hers that makes her so special. Its what is in her heart, that comes out of her mouth without any decoratives or accessories attached to it. Love u girl... keep rocking as always.

But am glad that even with time, some things dont change. When I went for a walk in Lodi garden after 4 months, I felt very happy to find familiar faces passing their friendly smiles and enquiring about my absence. The care, affection and concern of the dear once is a very precious treasure one can find. I felt good about the fact that - road side golgappas, haldiram's rajkachodi, U.P.S.E chat, Chandni chowk dahi balla, S.N alu chat, C.P's kachodi, Bengali sweeti's samosa, sadar bazar's bature chole, University's bus stop burger, Nirula's hot chocolate fudge and Golden bakery's pastries - tastes no less than heavens still!! Delhi roads and my dad's generosity in giving the car keys, both have broadened a lot and am loving it. My bro now fights less with me and lets me watch T.V for a longer time, knowing the fact that I dont watch TV in hostel. Mamma is making only my favorites and I am controlling the menu of the house. It is Happy Holidays Indeed ! !

Life is a blessing...

We have been taught from kinder garden to appretiate the small things in life and to always compare oneself with those who are less previlaged than us and to feel good about our status and position in life. But some lessons are learnt not from books but by the "real" experiences of life. Probably this is the reason why it used to be so facinating to listen to Grandma's stories coz they come out of "real" world and their philosophy is far more realistic and acceptable than some of the crap in books....

Am sitting in the balcony of my room... I have finally been shifed to a hostel room (was put up in a guest house before). This new room is really really awesome! The best part of it being the sit-out in the balcony. This is my "thinking place" and a little paradise in itself. Bro gifted me this huge teddy-bear which I call "Eddy-Teddy" for my room and am living a very comfortable life out here. The mess food though some-times boring, still is quite good and they try to be innovative and give real weird flavours of ice-creams at-times. My lab is one of the bests of IISc with an amazing supervisor who says "no for nothing". Have gotten real time good friends here and the fun n masti that we do, is inspiring me to write a novel on.

It was an usual saturday afternoon last week when I had been pulled out of bed by my stupid friends at 5:45 coz the tea time in mess is (4:30 to 6). Very half heartedly and with a heavy head I managed to reach the mess constantly cursing my stupid but very caring friends. There we went to our favourite corner near the window and I was gradually coming outta my sleep hangover when I found 4 children looking at us from the window. Must have been the children of the mess workers, I thought. They noticed me noticing them and asked me to pass them bread. Before I could react, Chandu went and got them a pile of bread with jam on top of it. They were happy and ran away.

This incident ignited a spark and a heated arguement began on 'how good was that act'? I didnt understand 'what is bad there'. This is what we have always been taught right, to help the poor. After all its just a matter of a few slices of bread, something which is available in mess everytime and no one touches it. But different people have different perspective and it takes no time for a discussion to take a turn to arguement with things moving from east to west to north to south. People feared these kids will get to this bad habit of begging for their food and will start disturbing and irritating other people in mess. There are days when we ourself are so busy that we just get time to slip in one sip of tea n rush back, who got the time to even pass on that one single bread.

I never saw those children near the mess again, I dont know what happened. But then isnt it sad that there r children who really really are so miserable. I on the other hand, doing nothing but just studing am earning a handful and living a very comfortable life. Trust me if I say my new room is big enough to accomodate a poor family of 4 members. If I really start looking down at people who are lower in status and position than me, am afraid I will start feeling so chocked and guilty that I wont be able to enjoy an ounce of my life.

All I can say is that am just happy that my life is like the way I wanted it. I have a family back there who have been really supportive of my decisions and dont fail to push me to greater heights. I have friends who truely honestly deserve and fit in all the millions and trillions of definition of the word 'friends'. I have been under such fine superwising eyes that their inspiration and words of wisdom are more than enought for this birth of mine and last but not the least, the dear almighty who perhaps is really very fond of me :)

Tit-Bits

Every single day brings with it a bunch of "weird incidents" which have a stupid, ironic, sarcastic sense of humor associated with it. The weirder the incident it, the more tempting it is to share. With work going on full swing, these days am hardly finding time to sit with my friends and chit-chat like I used to do. My little group here makes it a point to sit together for dinner and share all such "interesting" incidents... believe me, this 1 hr time that we sit around chit chatting in the mess, makes us forget the world around us and the giggles and laughs leaves us very light-hearted and happy. Today I just though of jorting down a few such incidents...

As I was walking down a lane near the library, with my eyes stuck on the beautiful half-crest moon....

STRANGER: "Excuse me! There is a snake ahead. Very small one, just be careful."

my mental dialogue "wattttt.... run stupid.. run back home!!!"

ME : "Thx. I wil manage."

If I were in Delhi, I would have been sure this is one of those school time April fool trick but I know here it is not a joke. I stayed glued to that place and when I was sure that the stranger was out of site, I took a u-turn and took the long route.


It was Chipkali's informal frehsers party when she was asked to represent Karnataka state (she is a Bengali btw). So the ragging begins... she is on stage with mike.

Seniors : So tell us, wat is Karnataka famous for?

Chipkali : err.... well... I read about Karnataka yday... it is very famous for silk.

Senior : and?

Chipakali : And its a great tourist spot and is even called the "City of gardens".

Senior : and?

Chipkali : it has a very rich culture.

Senior : education wise?

Chipkali : Ohhh ! ya it has a very famous university and a huge number of students.

Senior (frustrated now!) : where r u standing?

Chipkali : On stage ..... (damn confused!)

Senior (banging tthe head) : which campus is this?

Chipkali (finally the bulb glow) : Oh! ya ha.... Karnataka is famous for IISc :)

Senior : Thank you!

Venue : Ashwini hostel room. Time : 2 a.m

Bang! Bang! Bang!!

Vardini : Shruti?? U can sleep here if u r missing mom

Me : Noo its not that... I found sumthing.

2 more voices from inside : who is it?

Vardini : Its Shruti and she looks pale.

the 2 voices : Yaar U can sleep here is u r missing mom

Me (Frustrated!) : No am not missing mom... I mean I am but thats not wat I came for. I saw just now that our ID card is valid upto 2016... I cant stay here for 6 years!

Chandu (speaking without opening eyes) : Look at the brighter side, u wil surely get a PhD by 2016

Me : U kidding me? I will die single! Who will ever marry me?

Chandu : Look at the brighter side, it will save someone's life.

Me : Ya sure! U guys r sick... this place sucks.. god damn wat the hell am I doing here? I wanna go home!! (sob! sob!)

Chorus : Tea board chaleen? Strong black tea???

Me : Yes please!

One fine afternoon I was lazing around in my room watching K2H2 for the 300th time when the phone rang (unknown number)

ME : Yes?

OTHER SIDE : Shruti, this is Prof. Krupanidhi here

me stood up n froze... thats my guide!!!!

OTHER SIDE : where are u?

ME : ssssssiiiirrrrrr... aaaammm aammm in roooooom.... nnoooo cuuureeennntt innn lllibbbraary....

OTHER SIDE : come to lab.

This one incident became the biggest joke in my group and each time we cross library, some one or the other will say "no current in library" and I will go pink!


Chandu : Today I reached class at 11.

ME : wow! on time today... so finally u broke the record of going 10 min late?

Chandu : When I entered the class, everyone was staring at me. I didnt understand why and went and sat in the last bench when a girl turned back n wispered, class almost about to get over where were u?

ME : lol !!!

Damn !!

No I dont wanna complain anymore... I got all that I possibly wanted, so I guess I dont really have the rights to complain? How many actually make through their dreams? I did, so why am I still whining? Is there sumthing terribly wrong with me or I always always wish for the wrong things? But whats so wrong with this? Naaaaaaa.... nothing... nothing really.... But is it really worth all the sacrifices that am making? Wait a minute, am I really sacrificing anything? Whats wrong with me?

Last Wednesday I had a class at 8:50 in the morning. Was watching a movie the other night so couldnt get up early. Mom as usual called up at 7:30 to wake me up but then I disconnected the call as a 'response'... my alarm went 'buzzzzzzzzzz' at 8 n it was snoozed by me for 15 minutes. Atlast when I got up, it was 8:30. Had a quick shower, no time for breakfast and grabbed the cycle n rushed to class. The class quite unusually was damn boring, ah! Vasu sir is one of my favourites, how can I possibly be sleeping in his class sitting in front bench? whatever... after the class had sum work in office, then went to mess for lunch and then again class... when I finally came back to my room at 6 in the eve, I was shocked to see the mess I had created in the morn. Yeah I was in a hurry but then 'gosh! it was really a bad site'.

So tired as I was after the long day, I just threw the bag into one corner, switched on the lappy n played my fav playlist named 'random', threw all the cloths scattered on my bed into the laundry bag and went back to sleep. 'Thak Thak Thak'.... damn! one more enemy of my sleep arrived at the door...

"Ek min!!, am cuming..."

"jaldi khol n khane chal, I have to submit an assignment tmrw"

Ah! that was Chandu, its the same story with everyone here, so I shouldnt be mad at my fate. So there I went off to dinner and from there to the library... and before I realized, it was past 12 and the new day had started.

Its been almost 2 months now since I came here and believe me if i say "A hell lot of things have changed!!!". I dont know if am liking it or not but I guess I dont really have any choice with this. When I was scared about moving out of home, my mom held me close to her and said "we humans have a great quality of adapting to the changing situation and environment. Dont worry, u will get used to." I opened up my arms for the new changes of my life and got ready to face my life all by myself but I dont know y am feeling too lonely and bored today. During my initial days, I used to call up home 5 times a day... gradually the frequency kept reducing and now I call home once in a day and rarely talk for more than 15 minutes. Saturdays and Sundays are devoted to cleaning room and washing cloths and finishing assignments.

Its scary to think that I will be living this same life for a long tenure of 5 to 6 years... I dont know when I will get the leave to go to home... I dont get time to miss anyone, but still I wish they were all here. I dont get time to relish the food, but still I wish I get to eat home food. I dont get time to write much these days, but still I wish that my friends get to read my blogs.

I asked for independence but I dont know from where this loneliness creeped in. Did I really wish for anything wrong? Is my crying and whining by any means justified?

Jungle mein Mangal

The IISc Life....


Am having a big time fun these days and the past 2 weeks were just amazing!! New place, new people, new friends... its all kinda very adventerous and thrilling. Mom came with me to drop me here esentially coz I wasnt very confident of travelling alone. She left last tuesday and when it was just 10 minutes left for her train departure, I called her up and cried worst than a little baby. She was trying her best to get me back to senses but I was in no mood to listen to her and cried like hell but that was it. After that day, I didnt shed one more tear thinking am away from home.

On my arrival, I was alloted a guest room in a girls hostel block named 'Ashwini'. I stayed there for 3 days and that was supposed to be a four seater room but till the time I was in that room, only one more girl moved in. Chandreeyee, Harivardini and Preeti were my ex-roommates and they made me feel a lot good about this place and never gave me a chance to miss my home and friends. Though am moved to a single seater guest room now, but still I do drop in their room very frequently and we have long long nite chats. Marsha is one more friend of mine, but more than a friend she is like an elder sister who takes real good care of me. After the dinner, we 5 go on long walks in the campus and never realise how the time passes.


Batch mates and seniors are very helpful and kind. All the faculty members and office staff kept enquiring about my comfort level in the campus for a few days and all seem very friendly. I need to finish 12 credit course-work for this degree and my guide has asked me to finish them off in one sem so that I can start my research from next year. Though the course-work is hectic and 12 credits is a hell lot to be done in this short span of time, still going by my mom's words - there are just 2 rules :

Rule 1. Boss is always right
Rule 2. If u think he is wrong, refer to Rule 1.

So that more-or-less settles the matter. Classes have started in full swing and life is quite hectic. I like the kinda teaching they do here - its all digital class rooms and u dont need to carry pen and paper unless u r too addicted to writing. Proffessors give their ppt and send the presentation through e-mails so one dont really need to waste time in writing down every word spoken, and the presentations are so well done that they fullfill the basic need of making notes. Out of the four papers I have to do, 3 are core subjects and one is elective and I cant stop praising my proffessors for the kinda people they are and for the amount of efforts they take in getting things to our heads. And the best part is even the obvious and silliest doubts is appretiated and acknowledged by these mighty people who have such a great stand in the society.

My eating and sleeping timings have been greatly affected by the rigid mess timings but the good food in mess calls for adjustments. Last friday when my M.Sc results came out, there was this huge celebration in my group and Chandreeyee got me a big Diary mink chocolate for my out-standing result (as she called her). And that day in mess we got Pastries with tea so that was one surprised big time celebration we all had. It was as if the whole IISc campus was rejoicing my results :) Hostel life is kinda fun and hanging out in gymkhana at nite is one of my fav thing. Last week we saw DDLJ in our campus hall that lasted till 1 at nite and it seemed like we are all watching it for the first time.

I bought myself cycle a few days back as it is the most widely used transportation mode in the campus. We go around to near by places like Matikere, Yeshwantpur and Malleshwaram in cycle and five girls riding cycles in main road is sure a site. We giggle around all through the way and do hell lot of window shopping. Its a different kinda life here... restricted without restrictions. Ofcourse friendship gets a different definition in hostel and one gets more social and caring about the other coz everyone needs support. These days I hardly get time to feel bored or sad about anything. Am loving my life like never before and am having a real good time.... Yipeeeeeeeee!!

A walk to Remember.

Following is a letter addressed to the 3 Angels of my life : Ayushi, Ajay and Abhishek



Dear Friends,

Yeh jo Life hai na Life, its a long long long journey which starts with our 'Birth' and ends with our 'Death'. During this journey we pass through various paths, some are smooth and we move fast but sometimes we come across very rough roads and slow down speed. We lose our direction, get lost at-times, get help and guidance, sit down in a corner to relax, ask for lift and do all that is possible to make our journey a success. We met each other coz we walked the same path for sometime. Ur company gave me the strength to move on... my journey became so smooth and interesting that I didnt realise how time flew off..!! But now my path is changed and am moving away from U all.

Today when I left home to come to Department, I thought I will need to walk back home alone. But then u made my last day such a wonderful memory. I know u all expected me to break down and get senti but I didnt wanted that. I wanted u all to remember my smiles and not my tears. U guys are real gems in my possession and have always stood by me. How do u ever expect me to to tell u in few words as to what u mean to me.

Ajay, I have always appretiated ur 'all positive, no negetive' attitude. When ever u feel low, u always call me and am just too glad that I could be of ur help in ur low days. This was one reason why I used to pick ur phone in roaming also coz I knew that u just needed to talk and get motivated urself. U have a great talent in urself that u can keep urself happy. Trust me, this is one of the greatest art of living. To be happy is a very difficult thing and am glad u have a good hand at it. Your best quality is ur caring attitude and I have seen how genuinely u wish for my well being. I know I have been very rude to u sometimes but trust me, that was for ur own good. U took a note of my words and improved urself and that was a great thing. I will always remember ur words 'open eyes, open mind'... u have been really encouraging and never fail to lift up spirits with ur positivity... keep moving ahead. U rock!

Abhishek, I thought today u r gonna cry when u were waving me good bye from metro... we have become so close in this short span of time that our bond (vander-wall) has really strengthened. I remb u said u want to become my 2nd dushman... tab mazaak laga tha but am really gonna miss u a lot. More coz we had spent so much of time together. Every evening when I used to 'walk and talk' with u back to metro station from department, it used to be so refreshing. As if poore din ka chapter close ho gaya and I used to go home so light hearted. U used to listen to all my problems and advice so nicely. I know at-times I have behaved very stubbornly and have ignored ur advices so openly but u know me na... mein thode ziddi category ki hi hoon. U have been a great friend and I know tujhe kitna akela lag raha hoga abhi but yaar this is life, tune hi bola tha na. As u have instructed me, "any small or big problem, I will surely call up even at 2 a.m. I wont get carried away and wont trust others easily. And will try not to cry in front of everyone. Wont do lots of masti, will stay in limits and will concentrate on studies and will be good". U can stop worrying about me and I promise to mail u my updates very very frequently. Kabhi akele feel mat kariyo, am there with u in ur thoughts :)

And I do remember "Mann ka ho toh achha, na ho toh aur bhi achha - Harivansh Rai Bachchan"

Ayu, Today was ur joining and I didnt accompany u in the morning. Reason being, I wanted u to start off this new phase of life independently. But more than lab, u spent the day with me. I know its going to be very tough for u to go to that place without me daily. As u said, its tougher than a breakup. U could have handled that better but this has dropped too hard on u and I completely understand. Jaana hai yaar... ab yahaan mann nahi lagega. It will take u some time, kitna yeh toh mein bhi nahi jaanti but am sure u will get over this. A friend like u is a god's blessing really. Even before I told u, u knew am disturbed and over reacting, hai na? See tabhi toh... its so tough. As I told u once, friendship is when silence between two person becomes comfortable. And as far as our case is concern, am sure we can spend years together sitting silently besides each other. But is this practical? Once ur work starts, u will get so engrossed in it that u wont get so much time to miss me. I know how dedicated u r to ur work. It wont be really so hard when u get work in hand. Dont even think of leaving Ph.D. U will have to do it, for me and for ur family. U r not a coward to think like that and I have huge expectations from u so u better not disappoint me.

Dont worry about me, I will be good there and yeah I will defiinitly keep u updated with even my smallest to smallest troubles. Even agar toothpaste khatam ho gaya toh before going to market, I will inform u. I do remember all ur advices and will try to follow them. No seriously. I know u always feel that I dont listen to u but thats not true, I always do listen yeah but dont implement always. Now toh we have our own respective laptops so staying connected wont be such a huge trouble but for the time factor. Dont miss me much, and make new friends. U still have people around, mere liye kaun hai?

I know how lucky am to have met such wonderful people like u in my life. I know am going a little far from u all but will always stay in touch. Had a great time today and the past 2 years... Go ahead and walk in ur path with head high up. Am sure our paths gonna meet again very soon and we cant help cherishing these moments. Will miss u all.

Lots of love,
One and only,
Shruti :)

All 4 SuccesS !

IIT Delhi or IISc was a tough choice. It was almost like 'family' or 'career'.

Maybe I actually am exaggerating things (like many ppl told me) or maybe am indeed a very very sensitive creature but what ever the fact is, am very disturbed. I have always argued that a human is not a human if he is not sensitive. I felt am killing my own sweet "sentiments" sumthing that I valued a lot. The mental dialogues, the constant questions, the dead line for admission, the "what have u decided" messages, the unwanted advices, the unacknowledged opinions... all were driving me crazy. I needed the time to stop for me. I wanted the world to freeze for sumtime so that I can think. I dont want dead-lines for my thoughts. I wanted to spend as much time with my family as possible and then go and join IISc. I know thats the best for my career and thats a reward for the hardwork that I have put in all these years. I got IISc coz I knew I deserved that. Saying a 'no' would have meant insulting my own labour and that would have been the height of injustice one can do to one self.

I was happy for myself. I appreciated my achievement but couldn't rejoice it. One option would have been so much better. I shortlisted these two out of the many other options I had and that was easy. But after this point, things took wild turns. When I talked to my parents, they left the final decision on me. I remember 5 years back when I was dying to get into a veterinary college, my dad just did not allow me coz I had no veterinary college here in Delhi and now when I secretly wanted him to repeat the history, he had other plans. The ironical part of the whole situation was my dad's phone call early morning on the day of my IISc interview. To my surprise he called and said "I know u r not serious about today's interview. IIT is good but this is the best. Dont joke around. I need u in there."

IISc was solely my decision. Yeah it was dad's push that got me through, u c am habitual of listening to my dad's words. It helped this time. Mom remained silent throughout the picture. She knew my mind and many other cross links. She trusts me and my decisions a lot and never creates hurdles in my life. Bro sumhow intuitively knew well before me, as to what am gonna decide on. He just simply asked me to keep in touch and not to forget to send rakhi every year. But yeah I know he is the one who is gonna miss me like hell. I should have never strengthened this bond with him. He is my life - world - everything and I dont know how am gonna manage without him. Frankly speaking am really feeling very scared as to whats gonna happen.

I remember when I came back home from interview in Bangalore, my little cousin (9th grade) asked me why am upset when the interview had gone well. I said "I don't know how I will live without mom, u c I cant sleep unless she lays down by my side for 10 minutes." He laughed and made fun of me and I realized that am really grown up a hell lot to say those words. Washing cloths is one more problem, I never did that before. When I was working out the hostel life in my mind, I realized the 'princess' life am leading and the unmeasurable amount of love and pampering am receiving. Its certainly gonna be difficult for this princess to step down a little and wash cloths, clean room and eat the cold hostel food. IIT certainly had its own advantages!

Ayu is another precious gem I will be leaving and going. Am so used to her always being there with me that I dont know who is gonna solve my problems next. Am sure I being a poor eater will be very casual with food if she is not around I will end up sleeping empty stomach... damn... y cant every one be as good as her. All my friends are here, I wonder if I wil get any good people there, but it will never be the same thing again. Ah! Delhi... am gonna miss u lots.

The IISc campus was one big attraction, that one place had more trees than cement and the place looks beautiful! It was like a dream where there are benches in the heart of a forest and cold breeze flowing and lifting up the spirits. That place has a charm and lots of positive energy and ofcourse some magnetic powers thats mesmerisingly attractive. I fell in love with that place at the first sight. My department (MRC) had some very fine professors / scientist of the country all doing amazing work! I got a chance to talk to a few of them and each one seemed more down-to-earth and simpler than the other. It was as if the competition is for who is nicer and not for who is bigger. When the acting chairman told my dad "Dont worry, she will be safe here", I dont know about dad but I sure did stopped worrying.

Am all set to leave for Bangalore by this month end. Am happy that I have finally 'decided' on one thing. I know for all this is the right decision and maybe I will learn to handle the emotional storms sooner. I have to grow up like everyone else does and take my responsibility... I just hope things dont get too hard on me. Feeling very good after writing all this down. So badly needed an outburst. At-times like this when I really 'need' to talk, I cant find a better medium than my page. Bangalore, here I come :) :)

D Family Bond

Hmph! Finally some time off for myself after almost a full month of hectic schedule... I wonder y life has to be so tough... how so ever hard I try to take time out to relax, it seems just impossible to manage things. The higher u climb the success stairs, the farther u move away from the comfort bed lying in the ground. Am tired of saying am tired, the daily grinding its eating me up now. They say "any idiot can handle crisis, its the day to day routine that worn one out"

Anyways talking about the 'hot happenings' of the last month, I had some amazing experiences and most of the part of it was 'fun to the core'. It was a cousin brother's wedding there in Chennai and I had an very good time with my family and little cousins. My bro is one of the members of the hugely populated 'South Indian > Engineer > NRI community' and he fortunately found his bride belonging to the same community. A lovely couple I must say (touch-wood) and I can bet that we cousins enjoyed their marriage more than they them-self would have.




The first and formost reason why I was dying to attend this wedding was that I badly badly needed a break and such social get-togethers are amazing excuses for the same. Secondly I wanted to display my very enthusiastically chosen 'blue saree', that I actually bought for some other function but due to unavoidable circumstances couldn't enjoy displaying it that time. Another reason was my interview in IISc which was scheduled at almost the same time, so right after having a very good time in Chennai, I went to Bangalore with a very fresh heart and mind to attend the interview of the top most research institute in India and luckily managed to maintain the same smile after the interview got over! So guess am in... now I need to choose between IIT-Delhi and IISc-Banglore. Both are having a huge list of good and bad points. IISc is the best but IIT is closer to house. Am getting almost the same topic and all guides are very good and well established people. Anyways not gonna talk about this confusion now, this post is dedicated to 'fun' and not 'work'.

So coming back to the fun part, all the naughty heads in one place sure results in pranks and leg-pulling. This is the time when age becomes no barrier and even nani and all older relatives enjoyed the stupid pj's we were cracking and all the funny frwd sms I was reading out to my cousins. There was a separate councilling session I organized for each of my cousins to make them feel more seriously about studies but that was of very short duration and not very explicitly done. It was just out of my habit and my concern about the kiddos. Other than that, the 'boss story' gonna be remembered by me for the whole of my life. We celebrated my IIT admission with 8 pet bottles of all the brands of soft drinks and 8 chips packets of all the possible flavors and made a mess in the AC room for which we had the keys. That was one big time celebration of my life. Yeah but then we had to clean up before we left the room for the elders.

Really had fun during the make up sessions, three girls > Saree > jewelery > make up kit > mirror > crazy!! The permutation and combination of jewelery, the saree setting act and react and reacted act and blah blah, the applying eye-liner then washing it and then starting again from moisturizer, then messing up with lipstick then scolding the little one then remaking the hair, carefully handling the glass bangles, fixing up hair styles, slipping off from the high heals every now and then, pushing each other back to see the mirror, adjusting and readjusting the damn saree.... every part of the 'getting ready' session was amazing and we three individually took more time than the bride, to get ready and didn't step out of the room till dad came knocking the door to declare that the ceremony is almost about to get over.

The food was perhaps a attraction for many. There was a huge variety of the typical south Indian food and trust me, the typical 4 course full meal needs lots of empty space in the stomach and we all had a real hard time to clean up the plate, errr... I mean leaf. I personally dont have much of a fascination for the south Indian cuisine and I prefer a simple roti dal anytime as compared to rice but then u don't get a menu list to decide in such functions. We all would have preferred the Mc.D burger over the heavy food but then we had our parents on our head and had to dig on the leaf. But anyways we tried hard not to waste food but the caterers dont leave you with much choice. When my Periamma asked me how was the food, I remember saying "Khila khila ke maar diya".

I would say this occation strengtened the family bond more tightly. With a busy life where even sibling dont get to see each other frequenly, its very difficult to keep in touch with cousins. But the amount of fun all of us had in 3 days is simply unmeasurable. We all met after a very long tiem and realised how much we have changed. All are scattered across the nation and keeping in touch at-times becomes very difficult but then maybe that is why we have festivals and functions for. It was hard for us when the masti got over and we all headed to our respective work places/ college/ school but then thats how Life goes right? If not for the regular days, the irregular days will lose charm :)