Daddy's girl !

Letting go - its a whole chapter one has to learn in life and to do it gracefully is an art. I personally have learnt it the hard way but now I have my priorities so crystal clear that it doesn't hurt anymore. I was in middle of work and all of a sudden an old friend calls. One of those friends who has always been there although I couldn't do much for him in return. But then as I opened up with "hey! how have u been?" the voice broke in the other side. It pained. Why good people get hard times and what can we do to help them is something I keep wondering a lot. This friend of mine, sounded helpless after putting his mother in life support. Sometimes very tough situations happens.

Pain of losing parent is hard. I felt it when I signed up for ventilator for my dad. I saw it in my husband's eyes when his mom was diagnosed with cancer. Its like a part of our heart just breaks forever. Its been more than 5 years since I lost Dad... fortunately he got to meet Advik. We were there - me and Advik by his side trying to stop him from going out that day to stay and play with us but god had other plans. He left home saying will be back soon and after 4 days in ICU he couldn't make it. For me, the world came tumbling down to my feet. If not for my husband, I cant imagine living life the way am doing now. He was my dad's decision - he is taking up that role now. 

It wasn't a love marriage for me. My dad told me its the right thing to do and wola! I am happy now. Guys like dear hubby are custom made for people like me to take in so much of drama every single day and still giving back love. He knows am crazy and still loves me and looks out for me. U know the kind of guy with who I need no filters to live with and we are growing stronger 7 years and counting..

If dad could have made it.. he would have certainly pampered the kids especially my baby girl would have gotten things done her way with him. She couldn't get to meet him and she asks me sometimes "amma where is your dad?". I chose not to answer that. I know he is around somewhere. Happy to see me happy. Smiling his way through the heaven seeing the kids grow up each single day. 

Little one turns 5!

Its been a real loooong time and I am so happy to be writing again. These few past years... phew! what a journey... what great adventure... what an amazing reward. It all worked well at last and as my younger baby girl turns 5, I gets chills down my back looking forward to many more adventures with her. She is just like I had always dreamed of.. talkative, sweet, caring and intelligent. Its like all my desires and ambitions stuffed in a dreamy bubbly living doll, blessed with the sweetest of the smiles I had ever seen and the cherry on the cake is her eyes twinkles when she smiles. 

For me, I have been really busy post marriage... adjusting to a new sector of people I was unaware for this long. The warmth and affection I receive from my husband and his family is much much more than my real time expectations. I found a wonderfully understanding life partner who contributes to my personal growth whole heartedly. Having being brought up in northern India, although not fully unaware, I still had a slight resistance to traditional south Indian culture. My partner is brought up in Chennai and more than Love, it was understanding and respect at first sight. We could feel each other's dream and the very thought of pursing it as a team made me feel at home. With him, I found my home. 

My first born is a naughty lad who has got special powers... blessed child, his school calls him a prodigy kid. Well prodigy although is a blessing but with it comes huge huge responsibility on a parent shoulder. As a toddler he learnt some 15 languages and has a proficiency so fluent in English Reading that the little things which "usual kids" enjoy like playing on swings, visiting beach etc. was not "fascinating" enough for him. Now as a parent what do you do? I treat him like a little 2 year old and he doesn't like it. I possibly cant let him go to a library and read for the whole day and receive weird stares from other parents as if I am the torturous witch to make my 2 year old read. Anyways we have crossed those tough roads now and I no more care for his age or more importantly "what will people say?". He is a star in his school and he doesn't care much of the limelight. My daughter on the other hand who is very much 'normal' is in another school so there is no crash of interest.

Its a thing how two babies with same genetic material and similar surroundings can be so vastly different in personalities. Maybe its the gender or maybe play of stars but I do have a handful to deal with here. We are all growing up one step each day and the calmness I feel when the four arms trap me is like a sea breeze in a hot sunny day. Workwise yeah its going good so far. I have a few constraints around my movement - long distance of almost 20km work to home distance, but otherwise its all working well for me so far. Little kids work magic and my talkative daughter can make me smile and rejuvenate me in seconds. I am keeping my blog alive for her sake... for her to understand me better and understand the meaning of all the weird letters I keep writing for her every now and then. I am sure she will end up in my page pretty soon and understand that its ok to make mistakes, but life shouldn't stop. And for my kids to know that I am not perfect but still I am trying and I will be there for them, no matter what. 

Wedding bells

They say that any relationship that last for more than 7 years is there to stay forever... well I started to write about a friend I have had for a very long time now... Poles apart in personalities and with absolutely nothing in common... we made it through more than 20 years now. School friends has always been topping my list of priorities and unlike many people, am happy to be still in touch with my old play mates. Although age and time has made it impossible for us to meet as often as we really want to but still we do pull up a few numbers and catch hold of the gang ever once in a while...

Last week I again got to meet a few of my old friends from School. The grand occasion serving as an excuse for us all to meet was that "Archana is getting married!!". When you know someone so well as I know this little troublemaker... just imagining her getting "Married" "married" gave me goosebumps. She told me I was the first one to be informed about this mile-stony event of her life, well I believe her, knowing perfectly well how much I mean to her. I sit back and smile recollecting so many smiles and tears we have shared over the years. From hating her to be nominated as the class monitor in 6th class to scolding her for scoring badly in Maths in 11th class to being grateful to her for helping my brother with his exams, I recollected more memories than I can every write down on a dairy. 

Archana Srinivasan has always been this tom boyish kindda girl who never listened. Over the time of-course as she grew, she learnt it the hard way and I wished life to be simpler for her. From being a topper till mid school to literally flunking in high school, adolescence really took a hard troll on her. I have seen her falling down the success ladder but its her strong will and the strength of her soul which made her climb it back very gracefully. At times when I see my own life taking me for a roller coaster ride, it's examples like these that makes one believe that happiness is just around the corner and never to give up. A very intelligent and beautiful girl... this girl has helped me without even her knowing that she has. I know she is someone I certainly can count on and an occasional short exchange of words is enough for us to know the well being of the other. Here is a lovely card with beautiful words that she gave me on our school farewell day... yep baby... its been 10 years since then!!

Dear Sweet Bride,

        As you step into this new amazing dreamy phase of your life, here is me wishing from the bottom of my heart that all your sorrows run away and may you embrace each day of your life with a big sweet smile. Having you as my friend has been an adventure not meant to be forgotten and we are gonna stick along for many many more years to come. Of-course I will be standing right next to you on your big day all dressed up and wearing that big smile of mine and constantly winking at you... watching you being taken away by the love of your life. I love you toooo yaar.

Good Bye

A deep mystery still unsolved

The more I know you, the more I wanna

This world doesn’t know the real you

Or perhaps its my beautiful illusion.

They cant stop me from living my dream

I cant stop myself from believing it to be true

You are just an ordinary friend

It’s the truth in our feelings that’s holding us

A companion to comfort

A sensitive heart to cry with me

A fun mate to make me smile

That’s all you are, an ordinary friend

Blessed I feel to have you with me

Proudly I look up to you and bow

With persistence by your side

You gonna go a very long way

Dedicated, hardworking, charming guy you are

U know u can make a girl “smile”

Its not gonna be easy to forget

d mesmerizingly awesome moments spent

You will be remembered each time

I get some time to be alone

You will be remembered each time

I get to be with someone.

Life is a journey and the show must go on

Time has come for us to part ways

That’s the beauty of life anyways

Its d pain in pleasures we gotta handle

I have learnt a lot from you

Thanks for making me a better person. 

Dip in the Deep

Its not a perfect world... the one we live in. The idealistic rules simply doesn't apply here... as my new friend Ram, who by the way is a hockey player, told me the other day, "u gotta fight for survival".

I was merely floating with the tides... ups and downs were a part of it when suddenly I felt sinking... down down... I couldn't breath.. it was so heavy.. I felt it pulling me down with all its strength... I hit the bottom. I froze. I opened my eyes and found myself stuck, unable to move.. unable to breath. I thought its the end... I closed my eyes again... murmured my mothers name and asked god to forgive me for all the times when I didn't listen. I could feel the little bubbles of breath escaping from me... taking with them all my hope and strength. I felt weak.. I felt dead. Suddenly a soft voice whispered asking me to give one last try... I decided to do that. I opened my eyes, generated some energy from somewhere... gave a good push and aaaaaaaah!! Yes the sweet air hit me.. I was up on top of this water body that tried to kill me... I saw trees smiling at me.. birds chirping to welcome me back to life.

Some lessons are learnt the hard way... there is no other way out. Good experiences becomes memories and bad once teach lessons. I saved my life and am reborn a better person. I opened my eyes to a new perspective of the Darwin world where there is chaos and uncertainly... rules doesn't work here... its unpredictable, mysterious and the fittest one survives. I decided to make myself strong to survive. Am not gonna reveal the secret of the new found strength but I lost the fear of taking dips in the deep water now... I know I can stand the tides... Common life, its u or me out there. Am not gonna be defeated so easily... its gotta be the right way... its gotta be my way!

Last few months I faced a hell lot of resistance from life.. things just weren't working out. Everything I did.. was wrong. Everything I wished.. was rejected. Everyone I loved.. was hurt. I had no where to go... nothing to look upto... wasn't alone but still felt so lonely. Things just started getting so messed up that I couldn't even start to untangle. I gave up and was building my strength to fight back. I was waiting for the high tide to passby so that I can swim back again... persistence... patience and faith were keeping me up. It was the possibility that kept me going, not the guarantee. What I learnt from this bad terrible phase of my life is...

> Never ever taken anyone for granted.
> The more close u r to someone, the more are the chances of getting hurt from them.
> If they dont wanna listen, they wont listen. Dont waste your time explaining.
> If they wanna go, just let them go. Dont beg them to stay.. its just emotional torture for them then.
> Wait for the right time and never never give up the hope.
> Life isnt a fairy tale but then sometimes dreams do come true.
> The stronger is the bond, the easier it is to break Ego.
> Lie has various flavors, its ok to try it sometimes.
> Relationship dies when communication stops.
> Be true to urself and accept urself.
> One day.. someday... all good things will happen to good people.
> All stories have a The End... earlier the better

Its a Lovestory...

*deep breath*... hmph! I dont know if I will be able to write about what I want to write but I know for sure that I wont be able to write unless I start somewhere. So here it goes... like they say 'boys will be boys', I think more or less even 'girls too will be girls' only. Strong or weak... bold or cowardly... self made or dependent... watever the case maybe with these girls... they all fall for romantic fantasy stories. Dah! Inside every lady is a dreamy little girl who waits for prince charming to rush into her life riding a white horse and sweep her off her feet. I never accepted am one of them. 

All this while when people around me fall in and out of love... talk about their love stories... I would just sympathize with them coz I could just see the pain they are putting them-self through. I ran behind a lot of prince charming myself... aah... wat fun it was. Things never got serious enough to break me down coz I actually never believed in it. I never understood what Vardini meant when she said "JP is my life". I never realized why Susmita is taking such a big risk by "starting from the scratch". I couldn't see what is it that Marsha feels so secured about. I used to consider them all crazy for running behind something that doesn't exist... for believing in something that will ruin them one day... 

But the magic happened to me... now I can see how someone can take the priority over life, how much strength this feeling gives for people to break the tall barriers... how rosy and cool life suddenly becomes and how much happiness this special feeling brings with it. It takes a lot of strength... patience... faith... respect... understanding... care... very heavy words I agree. Am still not there but I  now appreciate people going through all this. They no more look like crazy losers to me, they are the winners who willingly put them-self in pain for the respect and faith they have on 'Love'.

This post is dedicated to Vardini who is my new love guru. I have known about her "boyfriend" for a real long time now.... I have seen her getting upset over little arguments... getting sad over big fights with him... I have seen her calling off and giving up... I used to feel sad for her, thinking why she is putting herself through so much torture managing a long distance relationship. Even when he came to meet her, I didn't acknowledge the smile she had the whole day but I noticed the tears she shed when he left. Somehow I couldn't justify the pain... torture... complication... irritation... blah blah all such negative feelings... but technically love is supposed to be a blessing right? Why does a blessing come with pain? Where is happiness amidst all these tears? Where is peace when there is so much fight going on? 

Never asked her all this but the progress of events gave me my answers. I saw her today looking like a glowing beautiful full moon. Her happiness I could feel in the hug she gave me. Her narration of the events was getting paused frequently coz of the smile she just couldn't hold. The flying angel today got big wings for herself and I know the reason behind this strength. She tempts me to believe in the goodness of love. She made it happen... rather they both made it happen and am just so so happy for the lovely couple. All I wish from the bottom of my heart is for them to stay like this forever... may they keep finding pleasure in pain, smile in tears, friendship in fights.... and last but not the least, home in each other's heart. God Bless them! Touchwood.

gotta grow up fast!

There I go... yep again messed up! Its only days like these now-a-days that I get to hit sum alphabets on this page. I miss this stuff but more than anything I miss the virtue of patience and calming myself down before reacting so fast n stupidly. As always, once again I have ended up hurting people I considered myself closest to... why why on earth do I keep messing up my easy-go-lucky kinda life.

It was almost more than a fortnight since I had "talked" to my mom and she compensated it yesterday by not letting me hang up on her for almost 3 hours. Yep, I actually had to keep her on hold to recharge my mobile. She is probably right, education has not taught me anything. My mental level and my maturity in tackling with problems is still in the same level as it was when I passed out from school. Though at that time she used to consider me over-mature for my age but guess the growth stopped there.  

I have always got this very strong urge to please people and being a cause of others happiness has always filled me up with beaming joy. But then somehow when my head spins, the volcano erupts and the lava always falls on the people staying closest. And by the way, my head always always spins when the word "Change" is forced upon me. There are a certain ways things should go... it gotta be the right way... it gotta be my way. Ya am not made up of rubber spine but then who is? Maybe I am flexible in a non obvious way... I do bend, it just takes a little more time than usual.

Apology doesn't come easy to me. It takes me time to realize my mistake... it takes much longer to accept the realization and it takes me more than a decade to actually act on it. Ya quite towards the egoist side, I agree... and am not liking this particular blog of mine.... somehow its not painting a very good picture of me but trust me, other than these little shortfalls, am very close to being a perfect friend and a perfect person. I like myself anyways and if I do change, maybe I will lose my personal charm.

Anyways apology virgin as I am, I wasnt sure how to apologize, I messed up guys! Big time! I cant ever take my words back but then all I wanna say is I lost it. Dont make me much more of a loser than I am. I love u more than I can ever express and I miss not having you guys around me. I completely understand if u dont wanna talk to me or spend time with me.... but I just wanna you to know that am really truly SORRY.....